I am not exactly the queen of losing myself on dates, but I might be the princess of this domain. Maybe a duchess. My personality is quite strong, and I really do know who I am. But before The Goddess Attainable, I was a master of turning my power over to men, especially if I was attracted to them. Depending on the man I was on a date with, I would displaying varying duchess-princess-queen levels of self-abandonment, and it really sucked.
Read about my process of discovering The Goddess Attainable in my article, HOW BLOGGING CHANGED MY LIFE. Surprisingly, my blogging path was intertwined with my love life, and creating this blog is what essentially snapped me back into a space of self-love and true confidence.
On dates with men, I often never even realized I was giving away my power until well after the date. Sometimes it took me years to piece together this information. My need for a man to
like love me was just so strong, and it really dominated my ability to remain authentic.
YOUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY ON A DATE SHOULD BE HONORING YOUR AUTHENTIC HEART
Honoring your authentic heart, regardless of what the guy thinks, is really the essential key to avoid losing yourself on a date. Easier said than done!
There is really a lot that goes into this feat, and I know a dinky little list won’t solve all of your problems. But if you are in self-abandonment mode most of the time on dates, this list might serve as a good wake-up call for your soul. You don’t have to jump from point A to B in one week, but use this list as something to strive for. You’ll get there, you really will.
I talk more about power and dating in my article, THE TRUTH ABOUT DATING AND THREE IMPORTANT THINGS NO ONE EVER TELLS YOU.
1. DON’T GO ON A DATE WITH SOMEONE OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE
I mean, you can try, but I wouldn’t recommend doing this if you are trying to find your confidence in the dating world.
Get honest with yourself. Look yourself in the mirror and get comfortable with your outsides. Own them. There is nothing wrong with what you see in the mirror. Nothing. But, for the most part, comfortable, non-superficial, meaningful relationships (aka real love relationships), are typically with other like-minded and like-bodied human beings. Look for someone on your level.
Look around at your circle of friends. Do you see varying levels of hotness, or are you for the most part, all around the same brand of appearance, relatively speaking? There might be some varying levels of attractiveness, but for the most part, you’re most likely fairly homogenized. You know why? Because it’s super uncomfortable and mind-fucking to be around someone who is way hotter than you. This all sounds like a bunch of terrible, superficial crap, I know, but it’s true!
TOO HOT TO TROT
I once went on a date with a guy I was SOOOOOOOO attracted to. I don’t even know if he was necessarily out of my league, per se. But I should say that maybe I put him out of my league, and that made it weird. I had him on a pedestal from the get go and I was so damn insecure on the date. It felt terrible and rattling. Unfortunately, I do believe that part of his “hotness” level was in direct proportion to his emotional unavailability level. I don’t know why, but these two things often go hand in hand. Either way, do you want to bind your life with a guy who’s very presence makes you wilt with insecurity?
In a relationship, you fart and burp around a person. You trip and fall and look like an ass. You need someone by your side who loves you so much that they will jump to make sure you are okay. And the last thing you want to be worried about when you’re burping and farting and falling in front of someone is whether or not you look hot enough in that moment?
Spare yourself the agony. I went through a period where I needed to date hot guys in order to prove to myself that I was hot enough for a man to love me. This was just a game I had to play with myself. But once that kept not working out, I put that game down and moved onto bigger and better.
2. THINK OF YOUR LOVED ONES WHEN YOU’RE ON A DATE
I know this sounds weird, and I don’t mean for this to come across as inappropriate, but hear me out.
This advice is an amazing tool for you to utilize when you are starting to feel yourself disappear on a date. Maybe you really like this guy, but maybe he’s like sort of saying some things that make you feel icky. Or, maybe you’re really attracted to the guy, but you don’t seem to have much in common. #bummer
THINK TO YOURSELF, “HOW DOES MY BEST FRIEND MAKE ME FEEL?”
Use the way that your closest loves ones make you feel as a way to gauge your compatibility with your date. Even though it’s a different vibe obviously, and romance is definitely different than platonic and/or family love, it’s still the same in some ways. Love is love.
Love, whether it’s romantic or otherwise, should make you feel good, safe, comfortable, supported, connected, and happy in general. Obviously, you’re never going to feel these feelings on a first date with someone you barely know. But for the most part, you should be feeling more of these kinds of feelings on a date. If you are feeling feelings of insecurity, confusion, apprehension, fear, and tightness, he might not be a keeper.
If you start to feel yourself sink on a date, just imagine your best friend or your closest loved one standing right next to you on the date. You can’t help but be yourself around that person, so this imagination game is really a great way to snap you back into authenticity.
3. MAKE A POINT TO ORDER EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT FROM THE MENU
I don’t mean that you should run up the bill and make the guy pay hundreds of dollars for your high-maintenance taste. I mean, order what you would normally order if you were out with friends or family.
If you can’t order what you really want in front of this guy on a first date, how is that going to play out in your relationship? Are you just going to pretend that you don’t love triple-cheese ravioli and chocolate mousse cake for the rest of your life?
The older we get, the less time we have to find find someone, duh. So, I do believe that it’s really important to be as efficient as possible in the dating world.
DON’T WASTE EVEN ONE DATE PRETENDING YOU ARE SOMEONE YOU’RE NOT
Be who you are and if he’s appalled that you love fried cheesecake with chocolate sauce, then oh well. I mean, he might be appalled, but if that’s a deal breaker for him then that’s good information for the both of you to have.
When I was on my second date with my now partner, I ordered what I wanted and enjoyed all of it. And he was totally appalled. But not by what I had ordered. He loved that I just went for it. He was more confused and freaked out by the fact that I ate my short rib grilled cheese sandwich with a fork and knife. Not kidding. I’ve been eating weird things with a fork and knife since forever, and I still do! In that moment, he expressed his confusion, and I totally could’ve put down the fork and knife and tried to eat “normally” for his sake. But that’s not me. Instead, I defended myself (he was in fact lovingly teasing) and continued on with my meal, ridin’ fancy and forky. He still teases me to this day about it and it’s now a cute little joke between us.
Be yourself when you eat in front of your date because he’s gonna find out sooner or later!
4. HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO AFTER THE DATE
This is another point that needs some context and deeper explanation.
I don’t necessarily mean make plans after your date so you seem cool, or even feel cool. I mean…
MAKE A DATE WITH YOURSELF AFTER YOUR ACTUAL DATE
Regardless of how the date goes, it’s pretty amazing to know that when you get home you have a date with a bubble bath. Get your favorite movie cued up and ready to go before you even leave for the date. Either way, no matter what happens on the date, you know you’re going to have a great time with yourself when you get home.
When you are on the date, even if it’s going well, remind yourself of your goddess-date-to-come. If it’s going well, this is really good advice, because sometimes, we can go the other way and start planning our wedding on the drive home. Don’t even tell me you never did that before. Planning a date with yourself post-date, keeps you grounded and keeps you focused on yourself, regardless of the love you might be falling into.
And, if the date is sucking, you can think to yourself, “Just get through this and soon I will be home in my bathtub, happy and away from this man that is less than awesome.” It’s a win-win!
5. PAY ATTENTION TO AND HONOR YOUR GUT FEELINGS
This point is so important. Ladies (and gentleman), please know that your internal emotional barometer is dead accurate. Always. In any given moment. The most amazing tool we can learn in life is to honor that internal voice.
You know when something isn’t right. You always know. In the moment, you might dismiss the voice because you really, really want life to be going in the direction of your choosing. But wow, this internal mechanism is so accurate. You know why?
YOUR GUT FEELINGS ARE DIRECTLY CONNECTED TO YOUR HEART AND SOUL, AND THEY WILL NEVER LEAD YOU ASTRAY
Your heart and your soul want you to be happy. You are your heart and you are your soul, so you are all intertwined. These parts don’t ever abandon each other and they will never throw you under the bus or leave you hanging. Your heart and soul know who you are and know what you want, and your gut is a built-in guidance system. Honoring its wisdom will only make your life better.
The most difficult part of dating is trusting that even though you really want something, it might be wrong for you. You must be strong and have faith. Trust that the good you want is coming. Even though this person in front of you might seem like your dream, if you are feeling icky, then he won’t be your dream. He will most likely be your nightmare, because your gut is never wrong.
Get used to trusting your gut and mistrusting your mind. Think about it, if you and your mind were doing things correctly, you probably wouldn’t be single right now. You’d be at home snuggling with your beloved. So, something must not be working, and that’s totally okay. However, if things aren’t working, when it doubt, it helps switch things up. Change the way you do things and tweak things as you go. Follow the feel good vibes at all times and make a point to turn away from the icky. When it comes to dating, trust your gut and know that it’s leading you in the right direction.
YOU GOT THIS
I know how much this sucks, I truly do. My single status lasted until age 38!!! I have years and years of stories and experiences and I totally get it. But just hang in there and don’t give up. Take it from The Duchess of Self-Abandonment. I know what it’s like to be there, but I also know how to get out of that dark place.
If this topic is close to your heart, you might enjoy my other LOVE AND DATING articles. I consider myself an unofficial expert in this matter.
Good luck Goddesses of Love and let me know how it goes!
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Featured photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash
Photo of embarrassed woman by Ivan Aleksic on Unsplash
Woman eating Photo by Angelos Michalopoulos on Unsplash
Bubble bath photo by CRYSTALWEED cannabis on Unsplash
Hand on heart Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash