For most of my life, all I ever wanted was to find love. I really didn’t put much energy into other things. I mean, I went to school, got good grades, made my artwork, and found a good job. But, I really couldn’t direct my deepest soul yearnings towards anything else, until I had achieved relationship comfortability. And now that I have the love thing underway, over the last year, I have been able to focus on other things. For instance, I would really like to have something I can feel proud of in my life. I would like to have creative success and power. And I’ve been working my wheels of manifestation magic, spinning them to the max. But, like everything in life, there are roadblocks and lessons. And honestly, I struggle with jealousy and envy of others.
Don’t get me wrong, I think things are moving along quite nicely in terms of my creative projects. But, I find myself looking at other women that I admire (mostly on YouTube and Instagram), and at times feel such pangs of jealousy.
If you follow this blog, you know by now that I struggle with envy and jealousy. Although, I think we all do. But I put it all out there in honest revelation, in the hopes that this invites others to admit their green feelings as well. You can read more about my struggles with envy and jealousy in my previous article CONFESSIONS OF AN ENVIOUS GODDESS.
JEALOUSY AND ENVY ARE NOT HELPFUL
I have come along way, I really have. I used to just have gross and seething thoughts about other women and not even think twice about it. Sure, I knew these feelings were because of my insecurities. But, I didn’t care. It felt too good to hate. I know that sounds kind of sick. But really, the pain of insecurity and the longing to be as good as the girl next to me, just became so great. And those hateful thoughts started to feel like salve on an open wound.
Lately, however, I have been really catching myself. And I think what’s been turning things around for me, other than the fact that I am trying to develop a brand that literally supports other women, is watching other women. I’m in serious awe of other goddesses around me who do so much to lift and inspire their fellow females. And, I have RARELY experienced that in my life. So, this a new and beautiful discovery for me.
All throughout school, I recall mostly struggling with other competitive girls. And I remember just wanting to be able to be friends and enjoy a trusting bond. I have had trust bonds broken repeatedly with other females, so I suppose I’m a bit scarred. And only now, in my later years, am I beginning to feel like it’s safe to trust again. Perhaps I no longer have to fear another female’s betrayal. And even if that does come my way, I feel strong and happy enough in my life to manage it.
I think anyone who is trying to manifest anything is going to feel jealous of others at times. But it’s important to not stay in that competitive mindset for too long. It’s just not helpful.
MANIFESTING DESPITE MY INSECURITIES
So, now that I have begun to do away with some of those murky, lurky, green, envy feelings, I can start to put my focus and power into my own projects. It’s amazing how much of a barricade to happiness that jealousy and envy can create.
Even though I can get insecure at times, my fellow successful females have actually been keeping me going. One of the best things to do when you’re feeling like everyone else has more than you, is to do some research. Look back into another person’s story and see where they started. So often, they started off exactly like you, or worse off, even! And their success took time and dedication. When I have done this, I have been able to see these goddesses as humans and less as untouchable rockstars. They have insecurities as well. And they had fails and losses, and have most likely been at it for years.
NEW PODCAST EPISODE, “JEALOUSY, ENVY, AND MANIFESTATION”
In this week’s podcast episode, “Jealousy, Envy, and Manifestation,” I talk about my process of manifesting love. And how through those years of struggle, I learned so much about manifestation. Now, as I’m on my journey to find creative success and happiness, I can think back on those difficult times in the dating world. And I can remind myself to stick with it. Because honestly, the path might not always be easy, but if you really want something, it’s SO worth it when you finally get it.
As I sit and type this article, I am today celebrating my 3-year anniversary with my partner. Just minutes ago, he surprised me with flowers, a card, and some chocolates from my favorite local chocolate company. This may not sound like a big deal to some. But I can remember YEARS of just wanting to have a partner to surprise me with flowers every once in awhile. This relationship makes all of my heart dreams come true, on a daily basis.
And because I was able to achieve this love thing, that I thought for so long was unachievable, I am optimistic. I know I have manifested something deeply important to me once. And I know I can do it again. It keeps me going. And so do the other goddesses who stir that jealousy and envy pot within me. They inspire me to keep going. And they also inspire me to look at myself and check my emotions. I don’t want to be that woman that seethes over others. I want to be that woman that celebrates with you! Even if I haven’t even achieved my goals yet. One has nothing to do with the other, really. We and our goddess souls are the common denominator in this equation. And we must support each other.
Thank you for being patient with me as I learn.
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Featured photo by Rhett Wesley on Unsplash