I have something I want to share with you. And typically, I have no problem sharing any and all manner of things with you. But tonight, I’m super scared, because I want this so badly that I’m afraid to admit it, even to myself. Because if I admit it to myself, then I must enter into that painful cycle of longing and wondering, hoping and waiting. So, in order for me to not feel so alone, will you join me? If I share this deepest desire with you, will you share yours with me? Or, are you more comfortable keeping your deepest desire hidden from the world?

I’m a 42-year-old woman, and I want to be pregnant and have a baby. And I’m not even in a place in my relationship yet where trying is a possibility. I met my beloved late in life, at age 39. And he is even a bit younger than me. We have been together for three years and have lived together for one year. And I have been up front with him always that I want this.

: : : READ TO THE END FOR AN UPDATE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I CREATED THIS BLOG POST : : :

ADMITTING OUR DEEPEST DESIRE CAN MAKE US FEEL POWERLESS AT FIRST

I remember when we first started dating, he asked me if I wanted kids. And I told him that I actually want them so badly that I’m afraid to say yes. Because I’m afraid it’s already too late and will never happen for me. I remember his heart melted when I shared that. And he shared that he would like kids too if that was what was right for us. And he assured me not to worry and that it would all work out. We then went on with our lives together, since we had only just started dating.

Over time, our conversations about this topic always ended with him saying, “I’m not ready yet.” And he did make a good point at one time. He had asked me, “What if we have a kid before we’re ready and it ruins our relationship?” I immediately answered, “Yeah, no, I don’t want that.” This desire for me is a package deal, and I want all or nothing. I want him above all else, but I want this too.

IT’S HARD WHEN THE WORLD PUTS PRESSURE ON US TO ACHIEVE OUR DEEPEST DESIRE

I don’t care for any feedback that I’ve received from anyone except my sister. Who has always been very positive, and hopeful, and spiritual about the whole thing.

However, for the most part, the feedback I get from others, even my nearest and dearest loved ones, usually makes me feel worse.

“You better get on it, sister, you’re running out of time.”

“Go for it girl.”

“There is only a certain amount of time you have to do this and then your window is closed.”

“Biologically speaking, the older you get, the less likely it is for you to conceive.”

Yea, no shit. And to all of these points, I ask:

“How is this helpful?”

I love and respect my partner, and he is not the kind of person that takes well to pushing. He’s even openly admitted that sometimes when he’s pushed, he does the opposite. It’s a pain in the ass, but I also understand.

Honestly, if the tables were turned and he was pressuring me to do something that I was uncomfortable doing, say perhaps in the bedroom, it would be super fucked up if he MADE me do it. And I can’t MAKE him impregnate me if he is just not ready.

People may disagree with me, and I don’t really care. And I’m sorry, but I also don’t want to hear about it. Because everyone’s relationship is different. And we don’t push each other to do things we don’t feel ready for. That’s just not our vibe. If that’s yours, good for you, and no judgement. But no thank you.

: : : READ TO THE END FOR AN UPDATE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I CREATED THIS BLOG POST : : :

SO, WHERE DO I GO FROM HERE?

Believe me when I tell you that I have never been so happy in all of my life. For most of my life, my deepest desire was to find true love. I have wanted to find deep, fulfilling, honest, authentic love for as long as I can remember. And then I found it! And even though the timing seems terrible in terms of baby-making, I still believe it was so worth the wait.

So, because I am so happy with the way things are, I don’t think pushing is the answer. I have stated very clearly many times that this is something that I want. But I don’t harass and I don’t push. I share my feelings when they erupt like they are this evening. And then I let go. I have to. I just don’t see what the alternative is. Manipulation and force are not the way of the kind of goddess I want to be.

But that leaves me with a lot of longing and a lot of fear.

SOMETIMES, ALL WE CAN DO IS HOPE

Gosh, I know this sounds kind of sad and desperate. But I believe it’s true in some cases. We all have times in our lives when we want things and they haven’t yet arrived. It takes guts to hold our deepest desire in our hearts and not to deny it. It also takes vulnerability and strength. And sometimes, it’s just a matter of divine timing.

During my decades-long search for love, I spent years of hoping, longing, and praying. And there were so many times when it felt so hopeless, and that time was lost. And yet here I am, so happy in love, so cared for, and so authentically seen by another.

Read my plentiful articles about Love and Dating from my years of wisdom and experience. If it can happen for me, it can happen for you!

It’s difficult, because I talk a lot about empowerment on this blog. And I mean every word. It’s who I am and it’s actually how I was able to find the love I have now. But in a situation like this, where it involves another, it’s difficult to feel powerful.

WHAT CAN WE DO TO FEEL POWERFUL WHILE STILL KEEPING OUR DEEPEST DESIRE ALIVE?

For me, there are a few things I’m doing, and I believe it’s all I can do right now.

: : : READ TO THE END FOR AN UPDATE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED AFTER I CREATED THIS BLOG POST : : :

SHARE MY FEELINGS WITH YOU AND WITH MY PARTNER

ADMIT TO MYSELF, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, HOW BADLY I WANT THIS

PRAY TO THE GODDESSES FOR HELP

NO LONGER ENGAGE IN CASUAL CONVERSATION ABOUT IT WITH OTHERS

KEEP MY BODY HEALTHY UNTIL THE TIME COMES, HOPEFULLY SOON

JOURNAL ABOUT MY FEELINGS WHENEVER THEY ARE STIRRING INSIDE AND MAKING ME FEEL ICKY

It’s also good to remember past success stories.

I remember when I first started dating my partner. First, I wanted him to text me, and he did! Then, I wanted us to be boyfriend and girlfriend, and then we were! After that, I wanted him to introduce me to his parents, and he did! And for MONTHS, I wanted him to tell me he loved, because I had already made it known that I loved him. Then FINALLY, he did! And this meant even more because he said it in his time, and I knew he meant it. Then, I wanted us to move in together, and we did! So, in time, I may have this deepest desire met as well. But it might take longer than I want, as most things we really want do.

HERE IS WHAT HAPPENED ABOUT AN HOUR AFTER I DRAFTED THIS ARTICLE

This is why I love The Goddess Attainable Blog so much. Just like my art, it’s such a tool for healing and manifestation.

As I was typing this article, I kept getting two thoughts that did not seem to want to leave my mind. One thought was that I need to tell him how I’m feeling tonight. The second thought was, “What if I propose to him the idea that the next time we’re intimate, we try it without any protection and just see what happens?” It seemed kind of far-fetched, given his resistance, but it felt like a do-able idea. The thought of this idea also made me feel so much less powerless over the whole situation. And again, it just kept popping into my mind, so I had to pay attention to it.

When he came home he was in a great mood. I told him I had some feelings I wanted to share and asked him to let me no know when he was ready to chat. He had been at work all day, it was late, and he had not yet eaten. So, I wanted to give him some time to wind down if he needed that. He said he had a relatively calm day and he was ready to chat now. So, I went for it and shared my feelings. And he was supportive but didn’t offer much else. Then, I proposed my idea…

As I was proposing the non-protection experiment, he remained silent and had a slight smile on his face. Good sign. After a few moments, he answered with a fantastically hopeful string of words. He said, “I’d like to sleep on it. But I’m not feeling apprehensive or cautious about this idea, which is saying a lot for me.” And I said, “Yeah, no shit, that’s amazing, take the whole fucking week to think about it!”

TO BE CONTINUED…

We’ve had a follow-up conversation since then and it was promising, yet also realistic. He shared with me that he’s feeling much more ready than before. And that if I told him I were pregnant today, he would say, “Okay, let’s do this!” (PROGRESS!!). However, his only reservation at the moment is finances. For the first time in his life, he’s getting to a place where he doesn’t feel like he’s drowning financially (millennial school loans, among other things). He’s been working his ass off, working late nights and building a strong client-base. So, he proposes we revisit the discussion in January (2 1/2 months from now) when he has a better idea of his capacity to save and plan for a child.

Just to give you some background information, when we used to discuss this topic, he would give me every reason under the sun why he wasn’t ready. And why he thought we as a couple were not ready. Now, he’s basically emotionally ready to have a baby with me, out of nowhere! I honestly thought he would NEVER get to a place of emotional readiness. And here we are! And all I had to do was share my feelings and ask! Now, it’s more about getting the practical planning a little more under control.

This still might not sound like much to you, but to me, this is SUCH A WIN! It’s forward movement, compromising vibes on both ends, responsible, and so hopeful and positive.

I can certainly wait two and a half months, and he’s not one to go back on his words or feelings once he’s shared them. I will keep you posted, but for now, I think it’s looking soooo positive! Way better than it was looking even three months ago! And certainly way better than it was looking before I started writing this article tonight.

Wish me luck xoxo

THANK YOU FOR LISTENING AND FOR LETTING ME SHARE!

Now, can you tell me what is one of your deepest desires? Have you ever experienced that longing before? What is one of your success stories about dreams coming true? I can’t wait to hear!

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PHOTO CREDITS

Featured photo by Tom Gainor on Unsplash

Baby photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Rose photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

Flowers photo by Elena Kloppenburg on Unsplash