I was riding on the train this morning, on the way to work. And I’ll start off by saying that I consider myself to be a beautiful woman. I’m not sorry about it. And beautiful women should never apologize for their beauty, because they actually, really can’t help it. Although I do take care of myself, I honestly can’t take much credit for my beauty. Because I basically just lucked out in the gene pool, and that’s just kind of the way it goes. I won’t apologize for it, and I mostly just try to enjoy it while it lasts. Because I also know that my beauty, or I should say, the kind of beauty that is valued in our society, is literally fading with every passing day. And that’s totally okay too. However, I still feel radiant and beautiful most days, and today was no exception.
SORRY, NOT SORRY
I understand that there’s a place for having conversations about fucked up beauty standards. And that most women often struggle with not feeling beautiful enough, and not feeling secure enough. I understand all of that and sympathize with all of that. However, I do believe there is another side to the beauty coin, that is rarely ever talked about, if at all. I understand the resistance. The feelings of, “Oh boo hoo, poor you. You’re beautiful and it must suck being you. Cry me a river.” No one wants to hear complaints from a beautiful woman, because they’re too busy feeling envious or jealous. And I get that too, and I’m guilty of having the same feelings.
Read my related article, “Confessions of an Envious Goddess.”
However, I’m at the stage in my life where I feel comfortable bitching unapologetically about being beautiful. And that doesn’t mean that I want my beauty to be taken away. Or that I’m not grateful for it. I don’t want it taken away, and I seriously love it. It’s so fun and there are so many perks to being beautiful! I’m just reminding everyone that beautiful women are people too, with feelings, and problems, and issues. And often times, society instantly sees a beautiful woman and puts her into a feelingless box. Actually, a beautiful woman often gets shoved into all kinds of boxes.
1. SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, AND THEREFORE SHE’S PERFECT AND AMAZING AND BETTER THAN ME
2. SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, SO SHE’S PROBABLY CONCEITED, OR A BITCH, OR A SNOB, OR MEAN
3. SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, SO HER LIFE IS DEFINITELY BETTER THAN MINE
4. SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, SO SHE NEVER HAS PROBLEMS WITH MEN
5. SHE’S BEAUTIFUL, SO SHE MUST BE CONFIDENT
Seriously, I could probably personally debunk every single one of these assumptions. But, needless to say, I think we need to just reconsider the falsities that we project onto beautiful women. And I’m going to attempt to take a stab at it in this post.
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN OFTEN FEEL VULNERABLE IN PUBLIC
I can’t really speak for all beautiful women. And can only speak for myself. So, in general, I’ll say that I often feel vulnerable in public, because of my beauty. If I’m just breezing through a store, or walking down the street, I can feel okay. Because I’m in motion, and feel in control, and on the move. Or, if I’m in a restaurant or another location where everyone seems respectful, I feel good, and even enjoy the attention at times. However, if I’m stuck somewhere, like on a train, and I can’t leave the situation, it can feel very uncomfortable. And I often find myself strategizing safety routes, just in case I need to make a quick escape.
It’s so fucked up that I even have to do this in order to feel comfortable. And I’m not doing this because I’m paranoid. I’m doing this because I’ve had to learn to do this, based on past experiences. Men, do you EVER have to do this, ever in your day-to-day life? No, never. That’s what I thought.
ESPECIALLY ON A CITY TRAIN
This morning, as I was sitting on the train, feeling and looking beautiful, I also felt quite vulnerable. Because of said feelings of stuckness mentioned above. And a man walked onto the train, and stood near me, facing me. This is normal, of course. However, I could see that he was staring at me quite aggressively. And I began the inevitable, strategic planning required to make a safe exit. The train door was on the other side of him. So, I considered getting off the train using another door, going out of my way to get there. Ultimately, I decided that I would wait until the train was fully stopped, with the doors open. And in that moment, I would whisk by him, hopefully with no incident.
This plan worked fine. However, on my way out of the train, there was another man. Standing right by the train doors. And as I walked by him, I felt him place his hand on my lower hip, upper ass area. And hold it there for a few seconds. I had on a thin wool coat, but I still felt it.
I was so shocked by this shit, and it took me a few seconds to process it. Then I realized that this mother fucker just violated my fucking body. I’m a grown fucking woman, on my way to work at 8:00 o’clock in the morning! That mother fucker. And as I walked up the stairs, I looked back at him and saw him staring at me hungrily, like the piggish animal that he was. I wanted to flip him the finger, but that felt dramatic. So, I gave him a “fuck you, mother fucker” face. But I was wearing a mask, and I’m sure the look didn’t translate.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE TAKE 12 SECONDS TO WATCH THIS!
DAMNED IF YOU DO, AND DAMNED IF YOU DON’T
What pisses me off about this more than anything, is the feeling of being trapped. And I don’t even mean the fucking feelings of being physically trapped. And seriously, that violated feeling reverberated to my core, and that was just a hand on my ass. Imagine the feelings of violation from being raped. Mother fucking pieces of shit.
Anyway, when I say trapped, I mean trapped within our beauty. On one hand, we work so hard to feel confident in our own skin. And it’s such a genuine and lovely experience to feel beautiful and seen in this world. It’s such a gift to feel good in our bodies, and to enjoy being admired. And yet, when we do, when we let our guard down (and my guard was up!), we get violated. The only reason my guard was up is because this has happened before. And this doesn’t only happen to “conventionally beautiful” women. It happens to all women.
Still, from my point of view, what am I supposed to do? I want to enjoy my beauty and my confidence. But I pay the price for it with my fear. It’s like the men of the world collectively say, “Uh uh, not so fast, how dare you enjoy yourself, in your radiant and beautiful confidence. We’re gonna put you in your place now, before you get out of hand.”
And men often think they can just take what they want. They think beautiful women are just there for the taking. And they don’t stop to consider that we have feelings. They don’t care that we might have our periods and be suffering from menstrual cramps. Or that we just got dumped. And now we have to deal with their bullshit gropes? They don’t stop to think that my twin sister just had a cancerous tumor removed from her body the day before. And that I might be emotional and fragile. They just see an object. And they want it, and try to claim it.
MEN TYPICALLY NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN HAS TO SAY
I do get that a beautiful woman can make a man kind of lose his mind. I’ve experienced moments when a man was clearly thrown off by my beauty, and lost his train of thought, or started blushing, just by being in my presence. Which sounds kind of awesome. But, at the same time, ummm, did you hear anything I just said?! Nope.
This one is particularly frustrating for me in general. Because I’m a beautiful woman who happens to have a shit ton to say. I talk a LOT and I like to talk. I’ve definitely been accused of “talking to much” as well, but whatever. And I have found that when talking to a man, in a dating situation in particular, they aren’t always interested in what I have to say. They might pretend that they are. And maybe they are. But the beauty part often trumps the talking part, at least in their minds. And that just feels unfortunate. Because there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do about this. Aside from putting a bag over my head when I speak.
PLEASE SPEND ANOTHER 20 SECONDS LISTENING TO THIS MAN WHO IS TOTALLY ON THE RIGHT TRACK, THANK YOU!
And yes to what he has to say about podcasts!!!
MEN STAY IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, BECAUSE THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL
Days before my ex broke up with me, we had a very odd conversation. We were in a fucked up limbo period where he had basically told me that he didn’t want to be with me. But he wasn’t 100% sure. So, I was just kind of like waiting (10 whole days!) for him to decide. What a fucking horrible thing to endure. Anyway, in a moment of complete frankness, I shared with him some traits that I might want to find in a new partner. Which he seemed to enjoy hearing about. Because I think it relieved him of some of the guilt he was feeling.
In that same frank conversation, I also proposed a thought to him. And suggested that he had stayed with me for so long, even though he was not happy with me, because I was beautiful. And because he was so attracted to me.
I can’t exactly recall his response. But I do remember a shrug, and a “maybe.” As well as a disclaimer that, “I think it’s a little more complicated than that.” Still, he didn’t emphatically deny it. And I seriously think there might be something to this.
I remember an old colleague of mine once admitted that he was dating this “crazy” girl. But, “she was super hot, soooooooo.” And I remember being appalled by this. But also finding it completely believable.
Again, where does this leave me? Did I seriously allow a man to waste three and a half years of my life, not loving me, but enjoying my beauty?! How in the world will I ever be able to prevent something like that again? If this was the case with my ex, I definitely do not think it was totally calculated. And I know that half the time, men don’t even know why they do the dumb shit they do. But that’s no fucking excuse. And you gotta be more responsible. With all this shit.
TO MEN
If you are responsible in this way, PLEASE teach the other men around you to be better. We as women can only do so much. All I can do is point out to you the dumb shit that you do. And show you how much it hurts. The rest is up to you. Will you help me please, and do your part?
THANK YOU FOR READING!
If you are a woman, can you share this with every man you know? And if you are a man, can you not only share this, but embody these concepts every day? Can you teach the men around you to be better and do better? Women spend every hour of every day trying to do and be better. We honestly do. And can you work to try to understand, a bit more of the female perspective, every day? The beautiful women of the world appreciate it! And it’s seriously the least you can do. xo
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PHOTO CREDITS
Featured photo by Hadis Safari on Unsplash
Woman’s eyes photo by Luis Galvez on Unsplash
Woman and a subway train photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
I’m going to be very honest here and say that it’s probably the first post of yours that I don’t entirely relate with just because I don’t think I’m beautiful (not looking for compliments just what I think and I love how I look now but don’t categorise it as beautiful). 🙈
But I do think that some of your experiences are common with all women around the world. I used to use the public bus to go to college. During those days I was an obese tomboy who’d wear their dad’s tee shirts over baggy jeans and not really care about how I looked. And I had some bad experiences on the bus to the point that I was afraid of taking the bus. (I was an awkward, nervous, nerdy virgin who didn’t know how to deal with inappropriate touches or “casual” pushes or men standing inappropriately close. I was never sure of what was a bad touch and how to raise my voice against it.)
And men thinking that women are dumb is just patriarchal. In my last corporate job, I had a woman boss who was a part of the management team (the only woman) and I’d see how men on the team would treat her like she didn’t know what she was talking about. I’ve always faced this issue multiple times despite considering myself to be very intelligent. It’s more about patriarchy and not considering women to be equals. ☹️
Thank you so much for sharing. Of course I hate when we’re not always on the same page but honestly, real friendships contain moments of being super kindred and the same, and then deviating at times. I think that’s totally normal and good for the friendship. And I’m also glad (well, not glad) that you could relate to other parts of the post. Yes, it takes time to realize what is and isn’t right in terms of what’s done to us, and even as we get older it can be really scary to stand up for ourselves against a man who’s just bigger and stronger than us. It’s terrifying actually. Yes, so much more work to be done in terms of patriarchy. I knew this post was going to perhaps make people feel all kinds of weird ways, but I’ve been wanting to write about this topic for years, so just had to get it out! Thank you for reading 😘 I hope we’re still good?!?!
OMG, yes yes. I didn’t realise that my comment would seem rude. I just meant that it’s an experience of yours that I don’t connect with but it doesn’t invalidate your experience. I’m sorry if it came across like that. 🙈
Nooooo not rude at all! Of course it’s not rude, I always want honesty, and I’m soooooo lucky to have an honest friend who always shares her thoughts. Sorry if my comment made u feel like u said something wrong. You did not!!! 🌺☺️😘💖
I feel so heard! Thank you! I have tried to explain this to so many other people and it’s hard to do!
Yes you’re welcome! It’s hard to come across as not sounding offensive or off-putting. But it’s a real thing and I just felt like I needed to speak on it. I’m glad it spoke to you!! 💖🌺
Excellent post, Libby! It was great getting the perspective of a beautiful woman. My younger sister was the beautiful one but it did not bring her a happy-every-after ending. I was pleased to note that you acknowledge that “this doesn’t only happen to “conventionally beautiful” women. It happens to all women.” I’ve had my share of unwanted attention from men in the workplace and in public spaces. And it doesn’t end as we age!
Thank you so much for sharing and I so appreciate hearing your perspective. As I was writing I definitely started feeling protective of all women (whom I happen to think are all beautiful even if society doesn’t decide they are!) and I’m sorry you had to deal with that bologna in the workplace and in public. Ugh!!! Yep I’m just gonna keep talking about it and sharing about until it stops, which will probably be for the rest of my lifetime, but that’s ok, progress is better than nothing. And we are worth it 🌺 I’m also sorry to hear about your sister, oh no. But it’s true, beauty is really pretty irrelevant when it comes to big life things and the bigger picture. I hope her story is not over yet!