My nose feels like it’s going to fall off. Because I’ve just been blowing it for the last hour, and wiping away hot and painful tears. This is business as usual since my break-up last month. And the pain has been coming in waves. I have good days and bad days, and today feels like a bad day. Although, “good” and “bad” are relative terms when it comes to healing. And one could actually say that this was a good day, because of all of the delicious channeled wisdom I received from my heart, during this fit. It felt like shit coming up and out, but I feel a bit better now. And of course, I’m going to tell you all about it.
FIRST, I PRAYED TO THE GODDESSES
Have you ever been crying so hard, or in so much pain, or so terrified, that you just started praying, out loud? I’ve had periods in my life when I’ve done this before. And today, the pain that was coming up for me, was so unbearable. So, I just started saying things out loud, pleading for assistance, mostly from the goddesses.
And I realized that through my tears, as I was opening my mouth to speak, it felt like a bit of a relief. So, in that moment, I just decided to start talking. I just started saying what I was thinking and feeling, as if I were talking to a friend who was sitting right there. And what came up was certainly profound. It felt like a bit of channeled wisdom, honestly. Channeled from where? I don’t know, exactly. Maybe my higher self, or maybe the goddesses. Either way, I think it’s safe to say that with the assistance of my higher helpers, the words revealed were mostly coming from my heart. She is ever so wise and lovely. And I have been trying to honor her more and more through my healing process.
I share more about honoring the messages from my heart in my article, “Lean Into Grief And Discover The Mysteries Of Its Wisdom.”
CHANNELED WISDOM, PART 1
I share this selfishly, because the channeled wisdom that came from my heart, was very specific to me. However, I do believe that there are universal themes contained within this wisdom. And I hope, of course, that you gain something from these words as well.
I basically started recording a voice memo as I was slowly sharing my feelings, staring out my bedroom window. So, this is what I recorded, word for word.
“This feels like my childhood. Reminds me of my childhood. Where the pain, and the fear, and the sadness, and the hopelessness were inescapable. It was just everywhere. And I kept wanting something to come help me or save me. And nothing ever came. So, I just shut down. And I started running, although I never thought I was running. I didn’t become an addict, or deny what happened. But, I started running in the form of all of my control and all of my fantasies.
And I avoided love for most of my life. Because I think I knew that if I really, really opened my heart, and dove into love, the way you do, the only way to do it, I think I knew that it would take me back to the pain that I experienced when I was young. Not because I intuited it. More because I just knew the risks of love. And I knew that it was probable that I would go through that kind of pain. And so I avoided it my whole life. Until I became tired of being lonely. And tired of fantasizing, and tired of controlling. I was ready to let go. And so, that was my relationship with (my ex). And the inevitable happened. So now, it’s like I’m just reliving the pain from my childhood. And I guess I’m being invited to heal from it in a different way.
-My heart
CHANNELED WISDOM, PART 2
This part came just moments after the first recording.
“I also think that because my childhood had so many negative emotions, and very small amounts of happiness, if any, true happiness, true contentedness, just didn’t exist. So, I think that throughout my whole life, I was so desperate to feel that feeling. Maybe disproportionately desperate to feel happy, because I had had my fill of all of the bad stuff so early on. And it became like I never wanted to feel pain again. Because I had had a lifetime of it by the age of ten. And so, I became unable to live a balanced life where you have happy things happen and sad things happen. And that’s life, and it’s okay. But it was sort of like, if I can just be happy and find this happy thing, then that’s what I want my life to be. And anything that’s going to give me pain, I don’t want that. So, I’ll just keep that out. And I wanted to control all of that.
But, that’s what love does. It opens everything up. And so, I’m experiencing all of it. And I think this part is maybe me having to recalibrate how to live a more balanced life. Where I’m not terrified of pain anymore. And I can enjoy happiness and be in it, and not desperately cling to it. And obviously, I don’t know how to do that right now. But, I think maybe that’s what’s called for.
-My heart
I NEED MORE THAN WISDOM
I still must take some time to process all of this. And often, the most difficult part of growth and healing, is the discovering of what has been buried. Because once whatever was buried is finally unearthed, the healing often takes care of itself. The awareness itself becomes a living thing, and it takes on a life of its own.
I have also been trying my best not to try to figure everything out. My Virgo, analytical mind is very uncomfortable with just feeling. I want to sort, and slot, and divide, and organize it all. And I want to make sense of my shock and sadness. But, my heart has also been telling me that I just need to feel it, and be with it. So, I’m trying to give that a whirl.
Is it me, or does that part suck?! It feels like complete shit. And no amount of cake, or Harry Potter movies, or phone calls from loved ones, or nature walks, make it any easier. Although, they really do help!
Pensively watching Harry Potter for the trillionth time. Those movies never cease to comfort me in my times of fear and sadness.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
I promise that I won’t always be writing about my sad healing process. It’s just, this is what I’m going through right now, and writing about it is helping me to heal. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. Do you relate to this channeled wisdom? How have you healed from heartbreak? Thank you for your words, always! xo
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Libby, my soul sister, I can relate with EVERY single post of yours. As you know, I’m agnostic but every time I’m in real pain – I just close my eyes, drop to my knees and start praying – just wishing the pain to go away. :/
I also get what you mean about shutting yourself off so that you don’t feel any pain. I’ve been doing that since my last break-up, I don’t let anyone get close enough – not even friends, and I agree it can get really lonely sometimes. I realized this when I was trying to date this last guy (the one I told you about) – I realized that it only felt good because I was finally talking and opening up to someone and not because I was romantically into him. I just don’t know how to be vulnerable anymore. Dealing with pain and its after-effects is a journey alright. *SIGH* I hope you take your time with finding your answers on this healing journey. And hope every day lessens the pain. <3
Thank you M, I love your words so much, and of course relate to you as well. It’s so hard, and for me, the loneliness always outweighs the fear. In the end, pain is the risk we take with love. I def realized that in this relationship. Even tho I’ve been trying to avoid the pain my whole life. But I’m also realizing that I didn’t die from the pain. And it’s honestly getting better ❤️🩹 as of a few days ago!! I hope you find someone who is kind and doesn’t make u wanna run! You deserve love just like all of us!!! xoxoxo
Did you get a new website or revamp??? Looks amazing!
I totally understand and can feel what you’re going through at the moment.. to be honest, I wish there was a pill we could all take to alleviate the pain or that I was privy to some magical hack to obliterate the heartbreak you’re feeling right now but there really is nothing to do but to live through it… some are able to compartmentalize it and play avoidance but I think truly the best and fastest way is through… and that’s exactly what you’re doing, Libby! 💓🙏
Thank u Jen!! As of the last few days (I don’t wanna jinx it) I’ve been starting to feel better ❤️🩹 I haven’t cried in a few days which is amazing! So u might be right, my approach just kinda got all the gunk up at once. Gosh I hope so 🌸 Also thank u about my site! Although I haven’t changed anything. Do u typically view on WordPress or on my actual domain site?
So glad you’re feeling a bit better.. These things also ebb and flow so don’t be anything but proud of yourself if you find yourself feeling not so great again!
So, I usually view on phone and laptop but the last time I was on the laptop I don’t remember seeing your full site… did you upgrade or it was like that for a while now? Usually if I click on the post from the WP reader I see a full post within the reader but this time it’s an excerpt and then I can click to your official website link to view the full post… 🙂
Ok so I literally tweaked something today bc my blogger friend couldn’t see my posts and I reached out to tech. They had me adjust something behind the scenes but honestly I have no idea what it did ha! But this is good news that it’s looking better to you, so thanks for letting me know! I def always hope people read my articles from the actually website since that’s the one that’s the most aesthetically pleasing. But I honestly appreciate whatever form people absorb my content. Thank u!!! 😘😘😘
Ok this makes sense now, now that you see only the excerpt on WP, you’re forced to visit my actual site, which is what I want, so yes, the site has always been this way, but the excerpt format was changed today. Ok this makes sense thanks again!
I don’t mind at all that you’re writing about your healing. It’s actually great to hear how you’re processing this
Thank you, that’s so good to hear 🌸