My nose feels like it’s going to fall off. Because I’ve just been blowing it for the last hour, and wiping away hot and painful tears. This is business as usual since my break-up last month. And the pain has been coming in waves. I have good days and bad days, and today feels like a bad day. Although, “good” and “bad” are relative terms when it comes to healing. And one could actually say that this was a good day, because of all of the delicious channeled wisdom I received from my heart, during this fit. It felt like shit coming up and out, but I feel a bit better now. And of course, I’m going to tell you all about it.
FIRST, I PRAYED TO THE GODDESSES
Have you ever been crying so hard, or in so much pain, or so terrified, that you just started praying, out loud? I’ve had periods in my life when I’ve done this before. And today, the pain that was coming up for me, was so unbearable. So, I just started saying things out loud, pleading for assistance, mostly from the goddesses.
And I realized that through my tears, as I was opening my mouth to speak, it felt like a bit of a relief. So, in that moment, I just decided to start talking. I just started saying what I was thinking and feeling, as if I were talking to a friend who was sitting right there. And what came up was certainly profound. It felt like a bit of channeled wisdom, honestly. Channeled from where? I don’t know, exactly. Maybe my higher self, or maybe the goddesses. Either way, I think it’s safe to say that with the assistance of my higher helpers, the words revealed were mostly coming from my heart. She is ever so wise and lovely. And I have been trying to honor her more and more through my healing process.
I share more about honoring the messages from my heart in my article, “Lean Into Grief And Discover The Mysteries Of Its Wisdom.”
CHANNELED WISDOM, PART 1
I share this selfishly, because the channeled wisdom that came from my heart, was very specific to me. However, I do believe that there are universal themes contained within this wisdom. And I hope, of course, that you gain something from these words as well.
I basically started recording a voice memo as I was slowly sharing my feelings, staring out my bedroom window. So, this is what I recorded, word for word.
“This feels like my childhood. Reminds me of my childhood. Where the pain, and the fear, and the sadness, and the hopelessness were inescapable. It was just everywhere. And I kept wanting something to come help me or save me. And nothing ever came. So, I just shut down. And I started running, although I never thought I was running. I didn’t become an addict, or deny what happened. But, I started running in the form of all of my control and all of my fantasies.
And I avoided love for most of my life. Because I think I knew that if I really, really opened my heart, and dove into love, the way you do, the only way to do it, I think I knew that it would take me back to the pain that I experienced when I was young. Not because I intuited it. More because I just knew the risks of love. And I knew that it was probable that I would go through that kind of pain. And so I avoided it my whole life. Until I became tired of being lonely. And tired of fantasizing, and tired of controlling. I was ready to let go. And so, that was my relationship with (my ex). And the inevitable happened. So now, it’s like I’m just reliving the pain from my childhood. And I guess I’m being invited to heal from it in a different way.-My heart
CHANNELED WISDOM, PART 2
This part came just moments after the first recording.
“I also think that because my childhood had so many negative emotions, and very small amounts of happiness, if any, true happiness, true contentedness, just didn’t exist. So, I think that throughout my whole life, I was so desperate to feel that feeling. Maybe disproportionately desperate to feel happy, because I had had my fill of all of the bad stuff so early on. And it became like I never wanted to feel pain again. Because I had had a lifetime of it by the age of ten. And so, I became unable to live a balanced life where you have happy things happen and sad things happen. And that’s life, and it’s okay. But it was sort of like, if I can just be happy and find this happy thing, then that’s what I want my life to be. And anything that’s going to give me pain, I don’t want that. So, I’ll just keep that out. And I wanted to control all of that.
But, that’s what love does. It opens everything up. And so, I’m experiencing all of it. And I think this part is maybe me having to recalibrate how to live a more balanced life. Where I’m not terrified of pain anymore. And I can enjoy happiness and be in it, and not desperately cling to it. And obviously, I don’t know how to do that right now. But, I think maybe that’s what’s called for.-My heart
I NEED MORE THAN WISDOM
I still must take some time to process all of this. And often, the most difficult part of growth and healing, is the discovering of what has been buried. Because once whatever was buried is finally unearthed, the healing often takes care of itself. The awareness itself becomes a living thing, and it takes on a life of its own.
I have also been trying my best not to try to figure everything out. My Virgo, analytical mind is very uncomfortable with just feeling. I want to sort, and slot, and divide, and organize it all. And I want to make sense of my shock and sadness. But, my heart has also been telling me that I just need to feel it, and be with it. So, I’m trying to give that a whirl.
Is it me, or does that part suck?! It feels like complete shit. And no amount of cake, or Harry Potter movies, or phone calls from loved ones, or nature walks, make it any easier. Although, they really do help!
Pensively watching Harry Potter for the trillionth time. Those movies never cease to comfort me in my times of fear and sadness.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
I promise that I won’t always be writing about my sad healing process. It’s just, this is what I’m going through right now, and writing about it is helping me to heal. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. Do you relate to this channeled wisdom? How have you healed from heartbreak? Thank you for your words, always! xo
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Featured photo by Austin Schmid on Unsplash
Candles photo by Mike Labrum on Unsplash