Experiencing a breakup feels a bit like experiencing the death of a loved one. One goes through the same grieving process, and this process can’t be forced. It just sucks, and there’s no fucking way around it. But what also miraculously happens after a death, if we are open to it, are newfound open windows, doors, insights, and magic. We are often graced by these new opportunities, and don’t necessarily have to force them. We just have to hold on, white-knuckling, surviving the waves of sadness. And allow Grace to heal us, and gift us with new possibilities. And since my recent breakup, I am already experiencing freedom from fear and negativity in new and improved ways.
If you have not already read about my breakup, you can read my article, “I Lost My Dream Life 12 Days Before Christmas.”
Don’t get me wrong, I am still SOOOOO miserable. And this is so hard. But, I gotta focus on some good as well, and there are some legitimate shifts that are taking place within me, that I’m so happy to share with you.
THE MAGIC OF KARMA
Honestly, I never realized the sad stories I used to tell myself as a single person. And all the fear that I lived with on a daily basis. But, now that I’m back to being single again, I have been noticing such miraculous shifts regarding my fear-filled stories. And it gives me hope, and helps me to realize the good that might be coming as a result of this wretched loss.
It’s like a deep-seated karma has been broken. The karma was present long before I met my ex, and was formed in early childhood. And like all karmic relationships, you lock onto a person. And the attraction is strong enough to keep you hooked, until you have learned all you can learn. Then, when the relationship ends, the karma is also released, along with all of the other rubble. And what you have let are newfound insights, freedom from fear and negativity, and ultimate elevated perspectives.
CHRISTMAS EVE AND CHRISTMAS DAY
When I was single, before I started dating my now ex, I used to use all happy occasions as an excuse to be miserable about being single.
During this past holiday season, I was so nervous about surviving celebratory gatherings, about being sad, and crying, and just feeling triggered in general by all of the happiness. Happiness that I used to share with my ex. But, during this holiday, something was different.
Yes, I was sad. However, I was also able to remain really present with my loved ones. When in the past, I would always feel a bit of “Yeah, this is great, but, I can’t fully enjoy this until my soulmate is in my life, by my side at this gathering.” And it’s true, celebrating occasions with my ex during the time that we were together, made me SO happy. It made me feel so complete and at peace. So, of course I was really worried that having him no longer with me would just wreck me.
But instead, I found myself separating these two entities. And realizing that I can be sad about my breakup, and joyous to be with loved ones. And one has nothing to do with the other. This holiday was definitely tainted with heartbreak. But I was also surrounded by joy, and fun, delicious food, wholeness, and love. And I was no longer telling that sad story, that I had been telling myself for the last 15 years of my life.
And this entire shift was done for me and happened to me. I was not actively trying to feel any certain way. All I did was notice the miracle. And all a miracle really is, is a shift in perspective. Miracles always happen TO us, and happen in an instant. When we are ready for them. You can’t force a miracle, and you can’t conjure one. You can only be graced with one. And when you are, the best thing you can do is honor, appreciate, and recognize the miracle.
CLEANING THE SHOWER
I experienced a similar shift yesterday when I was cleaning the shower. So, a bit about me and bathrooms. I don’t know why, but I get super triggered by bathrooms, dirtiness, poop and pee, and just overall bathroom grossness. So, cleaning a bathroom is like a nightmare for me. And up until now, my partner at the time, and now ex, would clean the bathroom every two weeks. So, I never really had to deal with any of that, and it was a very nice vacation from being triggered. But, now that he’s gone, I gotta do it myself.
I had been dreading it, and mentally prepared myself a few days ahead of time. Then yesterday, I just dove in and did it. And like my pattern of sad holiday story-telling, I always used to use cleaning a dirty bathroom as a reason to feel sad about being single. I don’t really know why I linked being single with cleaning a bathroom. But, in my mind, it was like, “Oh I’m single, and miserable, and I have no one to help me clean this bathroom, and I’m all alone.” Strange, I know, but this was the story I always told myself.
Okay, so, this is sort of the same miracle happening, but just manifesting in a different scenario. But, I had the same experience cleaning the bathroom. And was able to realize a newfound freedom from fear and negativity around this chore. Because as I was cleaning, yes it fucking sucked, and I hated it. But, it wasn’t about me being single and alone anymore. It was just me cleaning a stupid bathroom. Again, one thing had nothing to do with the other. It was just life. I was cleaning a bathroom, and I also happened to be single. But the two were no longer linked as they used to be. And I found myself free from that sad story I had been telling myself for most of my life as a single person.
FREEDOM FROM SOME OTHER BASIC FEARS
In general, I have also just been noticing things that used to trigger me all of the time, are just no longer as scary for me, if at all. Honestly, how is this possible? And also, how the F did I live with so much fear for so long? I just piled all of my fears in life into finding a man. And I just kept holding on, walking through my life as a single person, terrified of very basic things. Then, when my ex and I got together, I dumped them all on him, for him to handle. And I felt free, yes. But, I was also totally reliant on him. #notgoddessvibes
I’ve been noticing my freedom from fear in everything lately. For one thing, I used to DREAD driving in inclement weather. Not just snow, but also rain. And it pretty much rained throughout the entire holiday season. So, me driving to and from my sister’s house, multiple times, one hour both ways, was kind of annoying. Because I was driving in the rain for most of it. And I was FINE. Not even anxious, really.
Even last night, one of my greatest fears of all, having a mouse in the house, didn’t rattle me. Don’t worry, I didn’t have a mouse in my house. But, I have some critters in this closed off space in my attic that make noise at times. And I’m always worried they’ll somehow break through the wall and enter my actual living attic space. So, when I heard them last night, rather than freak the fuck out, I went upstairs and inspected. And all seemed okay. However, just to make myself feel better, I added a screw to the crawl space door to close it off a bit more tightly (there were definitely cracks in the opening that a critter could fit through). And then I added duct tape to the perimeter of the opening, just to be extra safe. I wasn’t even nervous as I was doing this, or worried that this might not work. I just did it. And then went to bed, in peace. Whoa! Who am I?
This final shift is kind of crazy. And for the people who know me really well, they might not even believe this one. Because I have always, to an insane fault, been extremely judgmental of other people. Specifically, when it comes to their love relationships. I’m not sure where I ever got the idea that I was some expert in love. And therefore had the authority to judge everyone else around me. But, I have to forgive myself for that, and just try to do better.
THE FINAL MIRACLE
And since Day 1 of my breakup, I have noticed a shift in this bad habit. I’m not even sure I would call it a shift. It actually feels like it’s been 100% wiped away. Because since Day 1, I have been speaking to my loved ones, and hearing others share about their own relationship experiences, in an attempt to comfort. And whenever anyone has been sharing things with me, I find myself being completely accepting and non-judgmental of their situation. I just can’t describe to you how NOT ME this is. And I can feel it happening. Someone will say something, and I can feel the old me get triggered with a judgment. And then almost immediately, it’s like the new me steps in and says, “Nope, what the hell do you know about any of it? Just listen and accept. You have no idea what’s really going on in this situation.”
It’s like I’ve been given a brand new goddess trait, and am experiencing such freedom from fear and negativity surrounding other people’s love lives. Even though, I do think this gift came with a heavy price. The price of heartbreak. But again, I think it’s such a miracle to witness this change within me. And I gotta focus on that, or I’ll just be swept away by my grief.
READY FOR MORE MIRACLES
Okay, so that is my current collection of “freedom from fear and negativity miracles” for the moment. But, those are a lot of fucking miracles I have been gifted! This grieving/healing process I’m going through has a new twist and turn almost every day. And I expect I might experience more miracles, and more gifts along the way.
I so look forward to what might be next!
You know I’ll keep you posted, literally, as my journey unfolds. And I want to thank you for being my loving and supportive witness through it all! xo
THANK YOU FOR READING!
So, have you ever experienced freedom from fear and negativity after a loss or big life change? Or, have you ever experienced freedom from fear at any time in your life? What has been your experience? Can you relate to the miracles that happen after a death or breakup? I would love to hear about it! xo
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Featured photo by Grant Ritchie on Unsplash
Christmas photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Vintage photo of woman cleaning by Austrian National Library on Unsplash
Sun through trees photo by Casey Horner on Unsplash