If you’ve been following my blog, especially over the last month, you will know that I was dumped just before Christmas. And I have been sharing about my pain, via this blog, ever since. I have been releasing article after article about my heartbreak and grieving, exposing my process. And you have been such supportive goddesses through all of it. But now, I sense a change coming. Maybe this change is arriving because my eyes are about to fall out from so much crying, and I want to keep them in tact. Or, maybe it’s just time. Regardless, I feel myself gently emerging from my state of victimhood. And have begun to experience the slightest glimmer of hope peeking through. Thank the fucking Goddesses!
If you need to catch up, you can read my original break-up article, “I Lost My Dream Life 12 Days Before Christmas.”
DEATH ALWAYS PUTS THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE
I remember when my mother passed away in 2017, I experienced so many changes after her death. And one change I noticed was the fact that I had much less tolerance for bullshit in my love life. At the time, my love life seemed completely unrelated to her death. But, death opens so many doors, if we allow for this magic to happen.
I share more about this idea in my article, “Experiencing Freedom From Fear And Negativity In New And Improved Ways.”
I’m writing this article on January 13, 2022, and today marks the one-month anniversary of the day my ex broke up with me. However, it’s also an incredibly precious day. Because it’s the day that the world says good-bye to my father’s best friend of 30+ years, John Surmick. John contracted Covid-19 two weeks ago, and then developed pneumonia shortly after. My father had to say good-bye to him over the phone. And his family had to say good-bye to him via video chat. He passed away this morning with only a courageous hospice worker by his side.
My father on the left, and John on the right, after John’s birthday celebration in 2017.
The heart is a very stretchable organ, capable of holding onto so much love and so much pain. But, even the heart has its limits. And right now, my heart goes out to my father. And I just don’t have the bandwidth to be pining over a man who broke up with me a month ago. A man who doesn’t want to fucking be with me. There are more important things to devote my heart energy to. And more worthy receptacles of my devoted heart love.
I want to thank John’s soul for putting this into perspective for me today. And for unknowingly assisting me with emerging from my state of victimhood.
THE WHEELS OF LIFE KEEP SPINNING
I have mentioned tarot many times in previous articles, and have found the art of tarot to be profoundly helpful in my life, over the years. If you are new to tarot, you can also check out my recent article, “Lean Into Grief And Discover The Mysteries Of Its Wisdom,” for a little teaser.
Today, I pulled a few cards for clarity. And found that the cards that emerged gave me the boost I needed. I was already starting to feel the inklings of emergence from my state of victimhood. But, these cards offered some added support for me today, and I’m so grateful.
Tarot cards from my favorite tarot deck, The Luminous Void.
The wheel in tarot is literally all about life’s ups and downs. And when the card is upright, things are looking pretty good. However, when the card is upside down, like it is here, things are not as fab. I’m massively paraphrasing here, so please forgive me. But, the amazing thing about this card is that it’s always a reminder that life moves in cycles. And to remember that when you are down, things will always come up again. And when you are riding high on life, enjoy it and remain humble, because change is inevitable. Ain’t that the damn truth!
THE 10 OF SWORDS
The ten of swords is the “darkest before dawn” card. It represents literal emergence from a state of victimhood. The person receiving this card is not quite there yet, but it’s coming. It’s a very positive card, even though it looks incredibly alarming.
The Luminous Void guidebook describes this card as, “Death/birth cycle, a last gasp of fear indicating transformation is near.” How lovely!
I also love this interpretation:
“The Ten of Swords can suggest that you are taking on the role of ‘victim’ hoping others will pity you and save you from despair. You cannot change the actions of another person, but you can change how you respond. Even if you have been harmed or betrayed, you now have a choice to pick yourself up and move forward with your life, rather than falling down in a heap hoping someone will take pity on you. In that way, the Ten of Swords is about letting go and accepting your current circumstances. You no longer resist change but allow it to happen, even if it causes initial pain and hurt to you. You recognize that there must be a change to facilitate renewal, and you allow it to occur rather than fighting it. The good news is that the Ten of Swords marks the final ordeal – no more pain will come to you from that source. The hour is darkest before dawn, and you must experience the full impact of what has happened before you can move forward and start over. Is it going to be easy? No. But, will this ordeal last forever? No.
Pick yourself up off the ground and reflect upon what happened to you and why, and what you can learn from the experience. When you do this, the hurt and pain will fade, and you will soon see why all of this needed to happen so that you can evolve into your fullest potential. The pain and hurt you have endured have not gone without purpose. Use the positive power within you to learn from your pain and draw wisdom from defeat.”–Biddy Tarot
This card and these interpretations gave me so much hope this morning. Although, I want to be clear, with myself and with you, that this is how I’m feeling today. I have a tendency to make sweeping statements about my emotions. And then fall back on myself again. So, take this article with a grain of salt. Or, maybe I’m just saying this because I’m afraid to hold myself accountable. I want to leave room for more grieving if I need it. And I will need it! I might be grieving long after this article, and even long after I have actually moved on. Heartbreak is a thing that tends to stay with us. But, we just find new and lovely ways to manage it, live with it, accept it, and forgive.
That’s what I’m working on today. And my state of victimhood is feeling a bit like an embarrassment. I have no shame of course. Having a pity party for myself for a month, after losing my love relationship of three and a half years is TOTALLY fair, and called for! So really, this is not about moving on from my pain, as much as it is about moving on from how I deal with it.
I’m not sure how I will be dealing with it moving forward, or what that might look like. But, I can guarantee, you’ll be the first to know! xo
Cake makes everything better.
THANK YOU FOR READING!
How have you come out of your state of victimhood? Are you in one now? And if so, what for? It’s so easy to dip into that place, and sometimes we need to. I definitely needed to feel sorry for myself, and I wanted the world (and him!) to feel sorry for me too. But after a time, we need to put on our goddess panties and open ourselves to the rainbows. Don’t you think?
Featured photo by David Troeger on Unsplash