I think I’m doing this whole life thing wrong at the moment. Because I know on paper, the wiser rules say that we have to be happy with ourselves first before we can love another. And I’m not saying I’m not happy with myself. I really do love myself, even more now than I ever have. My heartbreaking breakup really sent me that gift. And yet, when I hear people say that all the love we need is within ourselves, I get confused. Because if I was alone on a desert island, full of self-love, I think I’d be pretty miserable if I had no one to share my life with. And I know it’s wrong, but I have to admit that right now I keep looking outside of myself for love and happiness. And I’m not sure what to do about this.
IF YOU GET NERVOUS, FOCUS ON SERVICE
I sent a text to my friend about this not long ago, because I know he struggles with the same thing. And in response, he had such brilliant advice. He said that when he gets that way, and becomes so focused on finding love and happiness from external things, he flips the switch. And starts thinking about service, and others, and how he can help.
Something amazing shifts when you stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the needs of others. When I do this, I can forget myself completely, in a good way. And can become caught up in the flow of love going OUT. Rather than the seeming lack of love that is coming in.
And it’s crazy, but around the same time, I got pulled into a conversation with someone where I had to be really focused. They were asking for my help and guidance, and I had to be very on. Which I don’t mind at all. I’m a service-oriented Virgo after all! And as I’m now returning to this post, I feel so much less crazy!
My friend was right. Taking the focus off of myself to help another really snapped me out of my lack-of-love funk.
I KNOW WHY I’M LIKE THIS
I mean, it’s hard when you love being partnered, and your partner doesn’t want to be partnered with you anymore. It’s hard when your heart was full of love for three and half years, and then suddenly feels deflated and abandoned. It can be difficult to pump the heart back to life again.
And I know. I have love all around me, and I’m so grateful for all of the amazing relationships in my life. But I want my person, at home, with me, every night. And it hurts that this is no longer, after having it for so long.
So, it’s really hard to stop reaching at the moment. Reaching for a new man to connect with. Or reaching for a gigantic glazed apple fritter that will really make everything better, at least for 5 minutes or so. Until the indigestion kicks in.
AM I BEING PUNISHED?
Sometimes I wonder if love and happiness in my romantic life have eluded me because I can’t figure this out. And because I want it so badly. I mean, I honestly feel like I’ve proved to the Universe that I can fucking nail it on my own. I’ve been living on my own, without a romantic partner, for sooo many years. I can take care of myself, and I don’t get depressed. And I know how to forge connections with others and enjoy a rich relationship life among my friends, family members, and co-workers. I’m healthy and know how to take care of my body and my mental health. Like, I got this. But it’s just not how I want it to be. I want snuggles on the couch at night with someone. And I’m just upset, on a regular basis, that I don’t have this.
I really and truly feel like no one can give me a solution. And I honestly don’t want or need one. Because I know as well as you do, that you have no idea what’s going on either. And you can’t necessarily solve my love and happiness woes. So, I guess this is a bit of a vulnerable venting post. And I appreciate you letting me share! xo
THANK YOU FOR READING!
I’m not even sure what questions to ask you. If you are in a partnered relationship, you got there in your own way, and that has nothing to do with me. And if you aren’t, then you understand my pain, most likely. So, I will leave this wide open to your comments and thoughts and see what transpires!
PS don’t you just love that the only image in this post other than the featured image, is that of an apple fritter!? 🙂
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I feel what you’re going through. I don’t think it’s about not being okay on your own, if I know you even a lil, I think it’s because you crave for your own family. It’s something you know you want and it’s totally okay to keep wanting it while still enjoying single-dom. Eg: some people know they want to be rich and they keep dreaming and working towards it. It’s only problematic when they become so focused that they stop enjoying where they are at and their journey cause the want makes them unhappy. But that’s not the case for me so it’s okay to feel what you are feeling.
I’ve become so good at being alone that being with someone full time scares me and makes me uncomfortable. 🙈 So that’s something I’m working to change, to let people in and be okay with letting them into my space.
I’m sending you SO many wishes that it happens soon for you – finding your man. ❤️
Thank you thank you! Yes I think I really can dip into unhappiness during the waiting period because I’m so focused on the outcome and where is he?! This is a good reminder to try to enjoy my time now! I’m on vacay so it’s been easy these last few days ☀️ Sending you good vibes as well girl, and thanks for sharing! xoxox
That apple fritter though.. you got me there lol now I want one!
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way, Libby. You’re right, there’s really nothing anyone can say to make those feelings go away immediately so I will say this- thank for sharing and being vulnerable, you are helping others not feel alone…. 💓
Thank you Jen! At some point I’ll stop writing these kinds of sad posts ha! But I guess I’m still moving through a bit of gunk. Thank u for hanging in there with me! 🌺