MY SOUL CRUMPLED A LITTLE WHEN I TRIED WEARING MAKEUP

I’m really not knocking makeup at all. I truly want to be that woman who can put it on and wear it flawlessly. But, it’s just so problematic for me. And even though I downright worship women who rock the makeup look, and have fun with it, and play and experiment, I just can’t. Does this make me less of a woman? I don’t believe so, but it’s definitely something I’m grappling with. Like everything, it comes down to deep and inner happiness, and soul alignment. And even though I wanted to enjoy this experiment, my soul crumpled when I tried wearing makeup. And there’s just no getting around it. I just can’t do it.

PART OF A SISTERHOOD

I think it’s so hard for me to let this go, because wearing makeup is an act that so many women perform. And I want to be on that train, I really do. But I’m stuck at the station, chained to an iron grate bench. I watch the trains pull in and out of the station, and I just wave, sadly.

I’ve been so obsessed with makeup YouTube videos lately, and even did a recent article about it. In “YouTube Channels That I Obsessively Watch To Decompress,” I named my top six channels. And five of the six channels were all about makeup, beauty, and/or skincare. These women are so talented and beautiful. And I’m not saying I’m not. I’m just saying that I am mesmerized by their skills and want to just join in the fun! But, for me, it’s complicated.

MY HISTORY WITH WEARING MAKEUP

I have never really worn makeup. Never in high school. I think on the last day of high school, I wore some mascara and eyeliner and I felt like a total prostitute. I was such a goodie-goodie, oy!

In college I definitely wore makeup much more. My older sister used to work for Lancôme, giving people makeovers in Macy’s on 34th Street in New York City. She used to give my twin sister and I makeovers as well and would give us all of her leftover samples. It was kind of amazing. So, because of this, I have always been pretty loyal to Lancôme. I have historically used a black liquid liner and some black mascara, and I have never had much trouble. That + lip gloss, and that was my night out look. Or, my thrice a year fancy party or wedding (someone else’s wedding, not mine) look.

For years I used a drug store Covergirl lip gloss that was a cool (not cool like the vibe, I mean cool, like bluish rather than orangish) pink color and worked well with my skin tone. But when I started taking the product toxicity stuff more seriously, I had to abandon these brands and have been lost ever since.

HOW I EXPERIMENTED WITH WEARING MAKEUP

Let me back up and say that my recent experiment did not consist of me rocking a full face of makeup. I mean, I tried. But you’re not gonna see any crazy eye shadow techniques or fun lip stuff. I could barely manage the basics. It’s kind of a bummer because I was so excited to give this a try. It was like my way of celebrating entering the world again, Post-Covid. I thought, “Yeah, I’m gonna be a makeup person now, and this will be the new and improved, Goddess Me!”

FOUNDATION

I did so much research and took so much time making up my mind. And I finally settled on Westman Atelier’s exorbitantly expensive foundation stick. I chose this mostly because of the low toxicity factor. Products that rank above a 2 on the EWG Skin Deep Database freak me out and I try to stay away from them.

I had no idea what my skin shade was, but took a wild gander at Atelier II – Medium Fair, Warm Beige Undertone. Note the $68 price tag!! Despite the investment, I think I nailed the shade, right? You decide for yourself…

I only applied around my eyes and left the rest natural. I really can’t bare to cover my entire face with foundation. However, not gonna lie, I think I look pretty damn good in the After Glow shot. But, if I was smiling in the Before Mug Shot, I think I look super cute as well. Just sayin.

LIPS

I also ordered some tinted lip balm from Westman Atelier. And I’m pretty sure this is the only product I own that doesn’t meet those EWG standards I mentioned above. But I’m such a lip gloss wearer. That is one thing I really love. And I heard great things about it, so I went for it. I decided to go with a $38 tube of Squeaky Clean Liquid Lip Balm in Nou Nou – Soft Coral. I don’t hate it, and I love how it feels. It really lasts for hours also and isn’t sticky or gross. But it’s a bit too “barely there” for me. If I’m going to pay $38, I want to see it on my face!

I really do love it though, and I think when this shade runs out, I will order again. Only this time, I’ll try a darker shade.

MASCARA

I can also do with a bit of mascara. I know this. My lashes have always been pretty undetectable. And I tried searching for an EWG approved brand. I ordered a super cheap mascara from C’est Moi. And although it’s non-toxic √ and affordable √, it doesn’t perform very well at all. It runs down my face, and after about an hour, I look like I’ve been sweating and crying at a dance club all night. I’ve ordered another kind from a different brand and am still waiting for it to arrive. So for this experiment, I went with the C’est Moi.

BLUSH

When it comes to blush, I am ALWAYS naturally rosy on my face. So, unless I decide to coat my entire face in foundation and then add blush on top of that, the way so many makeup goddesses do, I typically avoid blush. However, for this experiment, I did the whole blush thing. Because, why not? I didn’t invest in any new products, but instead found (buried in my closet) this several-year-old bottle of Posietint Cheek and Lip Stain in poppy-pink.

MY FINAL “INTENSE” FULL FACE OF MAKEUP LOOK…

This look consists of:

1. Foundation under my eyes and on part of my cheeks
2. Cheek stain
3. Mascara
4. A bit of eye liner on my water line
5. Lip gloss/balm

By the way, these images are holy hashtag no filter #nofilter #obvs

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Ok, I know I’m making terrible faces. But honestly, my insides are totally matching my outsides in this moment. And I just feel ridiculous. I feel like I look about 10 years older than I actually am. I feel like my grandmother a bit. Not that my grandmother wasn’t amazing and gorgeous. She was my angel on Earth for my entire life. But she was, you know, 30 years old than me.

Ok, so after walking around my apartment for a bit, and catching myself in the mirror. I don’t hate it. I think that if I had this face of makeup on, and people walked into my office, they would probably compliment me. And I have to say that it actually looks a lot better, and much less severe, in person. Photos never do me justice. However, I feel the itchies and scratchies already starting. Read on and you’ll know what I’m talking about…

My surprised Julia Roberts impression…

Ouch, it burns. But I’ve been waiting for this moment all day. Just get it off…

THE PROBLEMS I HAVE WITH WEARING MAKEUP

Gosh, there are so many. I might have to go into list mode…

THE MONEY

I mean, keeping up with makeup is SO expensive! I already invest in pretty high quality skincare products. And I think if I found the exact perfect makeup products and just stuck with those forever, I could maybe justify it. But still, if I am going to be a makeup person and wear it regularly, it would require me investing in mascara, eye liner, and gloss on a regular basis. And I just can’t justify paying for that. But I have zero judgment against those who do, for real. I just can’t do it.

THE ITCHIES AND SCRATCHIES

Since I have gone most of my life without wearing makeup, I often forget about it when I do wear it. And I might rub my eyes, or touch my face absentmindedly. And boom, my face is kind of jacked after that.

My skin is also super sensitive to everything. And even though the Westman Atelier foundation was super gentle and non-toxic, I noticed that a few days after I used it, I had some small bumpies on my face. And these bumpies were definitely in places that I had applied the product.

This is about one week after I wore foundation and blush on my face. This is the FIRST cystic blemish I have had in about 10 years. Luckily, I zapped it naturally with my essential oils and it was looking better in 24 hours.

And overall, I just get itchy and irritated when I have stuff sitting on my face. Don’t even get me started on my eyes. I can’t put ANY product on my eyes. I get little red bumps the next day. Shit gets in my eyes, they get watery, and redness and inflammation ensues. It sucks!

It’s like I was born NOT to wear makeup.

THE MASK FACTOR

I truly mean it when I say, no judgement about this. Again, I worship these goddesses who rock the makeup. I’m enthralled, honestly. But when I myself wear makeup, I can’t help but feel like I’m putting on a mask or covering something up. I mean, I am. But I know many women say they feel so incredibly good once they have applied their makeup. And that’s amazing. But I almost feel the opposite.

Okay, that’s not totally true. If you listen to this quick clip from one of my podcast episodes, talking to my cousin about beauty and makeup, you’ll hear what I mean…

Click HERE to listen this episode and others on The Goddess Attainable Podcast.

MAKING PEACE WITH AGING

I think if I had worn makeup my whole life, and used it as a form of self-expression, as many goddesses do, that’s one thing. But since I’ve never done that, I feel like wearing makeup at this point in my life (age 41), would feel a bit false. It’s like I already work day in and day out on making peace with the aging process. When I see sagging or wrinkles, I try not to have my first thought be, “How can I get rid of this?” And instead, I try to embrace the honor that comes with age.

I can’t help but mention Dee Boomkens’s AndBloom here. This goddess is all about celebrating the natural beauty that comes with age. Granted, she wears makeup, and everyone in her photos wear makeup. But it’s the vibe that I love. It’s the celebratory nature of aging. And it’s her attempt at reducing the shame that comes with what happens to our bodies when we cross the threshold of 40.

So, I guess I feel more aligned with that mission, and less aligned with the makeup mission.

Au naturel. This is much more me. Fresh. Comfortable. Making a weird face. Happy.

MY JOURNEY WITH WEARING MAKEUP CONTINUES

You know, after writing all this, I still feel incapable of putting down completely this idea of wearing makeup. And I still feel attached to the idea of being a part of some kind of Sisterhood of Makeup Wearers. So, in a perfect world, a few things would happen:

The mascara I ordered will arrive soon and will meet all of my mascara needs. It won’t run or melt. It will come off gently. And it won’t irritate my eyes in any way.

I will begin wearing said dream mascara and start to feel more a part of The Sisterhood of Makeup Wearers.

I will continue to fine tune my skincare routine so my bare skin remains as even-toned and healthy looking as possible. Basically, I can get away with never having to wear foundation. Ever.

When I run out of that Squeaky Clean Liquid Lip Balm, I will purchase a new and deeper shade that becomes MY shade. And I never have to worry about lip balm/gloss ever again.

I will jump on the highlighter wagon and find a dream highlighter (I haven’t even tried this yet).

My final makeup look will be mascara, highlighter, and lip balm/gloss. And I will look amazing and natural, feel comfortable, and the makeup will appear very “barely there.”

I will make peace internally with all of my makeup woes and longings, and enjoy the best of both worlds. Which means, I can enter The Sisterhood of Makeup Wearers, but do so minimally, and on my terms.

Wow, that all sounds so nice.

Wish me luck on this journey! And please share with me your makeup routine. I am not kidding when I say that I LOVE knowing the ins and outs of how women beautify themselves. Do you like me better with or without makeup? I look forward to your comments!

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PHOTO CREDITS

Featured photo by freestocks on Unsplash