For those of you who haven’t been following, I was dumped by my beloved last month. And I’m now in a full-blown, healing-from-heartbreak period. Look out 2022, cuz here I come! And what has been so fascinating about this awful AF period of time, is that I have been welcoming my comforting nights, and really struggling during my waking hours. The nights have been my time of ultimate healing, and recovery, and restoration. And I haven’t been actively doing anything to move it along. I’ve been unconscious for most of it, and it’s been happening to me, and for me. Thank you, Nighttime, you are the best!
(I wrote this post just after the breakup, so things are a bit better now, but like, not really.)
My days on the other hand, at least these first few days after him leaving, have been complete torture. Like up there with the top five worst days of my life. The sadness isn’t just sadness. It’s like inescapable hell, no matter where I go or what I do or don’t do. I’m still just alone with myself and the reality of my pain. And there is nothing worse than an inescapable situation. My usual comforts do nothing, and no human being, no matter how loving, can take me through it. It’s just me and my heart, suffering, alone. At least, that’s how it feels. And I legitimately count the hours until I can be in a state of unconsciousness.
One of the main issues that my ex (gosh, I still can’t believe he’s my ex) had with me and our relationship, was our conflicting spiritual views. I’m a believer of magic and things unseen, and always have been. And he believes in nothing, and thinks this world is ultimately a joke, and a sad place, full of suffering people.
Hmm, when I put it like that, it does seem to be pretty problematic. Even though I always tried to convince him that our differences didn’t matter, as long as we respected each other. But when differences are this huge, maybe there really is no way to respect the other person. Because I think it’s lame AF to think this world is a joke. And I don’t expect everyone to believe what I believe. But how can you look at a sunset, or a sweet kitty cat, or a beautiful flower, and think this world is a joke?
You might enjoy my article, “The Magic Of Flowers And Why I Need Them In My Life.”
And I’m sure he thought I was a hippie-dippie, witchy weirdo, with my head up in the clouds. And maybe I am. But at least I feel positive about the world. And it’s not because I’m ignorant of its darkness. I have experienced so much darkness as a child, and I’m well aware of what this world is like. I know it can get dark AF. But, I choose to seek the light in all situations. And I’d love to live my life alongside someone else who does the same.
I have to thank him now, from afar, through this post, for being brave enough for us both, to end our relationship. Because I probably never would have left, since we really did share (what I thought was) love, which is hard to walk away from. However, it’s true that it is a lovely thing to witness the world with another person, through similar eyes. And neither one of us could have ever shared that with one another, if we would have stayed together.
So, all that being said, I feel like I can start sharing more about my spiritual experiences. And I suppose I did keep a lot of that to myself when I was with him. Which is a cryin’ shame. And honestly, now that he’s gone and I’m alone, I feel an increase in experiences. Or perhaps, I’m just more aware of them now.
I’ve been experiencing comforting nights, because that’s when all the magic seems to come alive. And that is when the unseen forces in my life, who have my back, emerge and make themselves known.
For more articles about spirituality, visit the SPIRITUALITY section of this blog.
On the first night after our breakup, I was sitting on the couch, sobbing in hysterics. I think I was even moaning out loud and begging for relief from this pain. When all of a sudden, I heard a noise, coming from the Christmas tree. I stopped, mid-moan, and turned my head towards the tree. And I saw that a shimmering, slivery, glitter Christmas bulb had just suddenly dropped from the tree for no reason. And when it dropped, it knocked into an angel ornament next to it. As I stopped and stared, the angel was left dangling on the tree, spinning and twirling, smiling at me, in all of her comforting magic. Letting me know that I was going to be okay, that I was surrounded by magical, angelic, and loving beings. And that I’m truly, never alone. At least, that’s how I translated this phenomenon, in that moment.
I have also always been a pretty good sleeper, and comforting nights are not a new thing for me. In the past, I have had dreams that have healed and transformed me during difficult times. So, this doesn’t come as a full surprise to me. But still, it’s something that I think not everyone is lucky enough to experience. And I know many people DREAD the nighttime. I have certainly had my share of terror-filled nights as well. And it’s true that typically, there have been many nights in my life that I have feared and dreaded, and the daytime was really my safe haven. But for whatever reason, during this breakup period, the nights are so my friend. And my dreams have been doing most of the work for me.
RESTORATIVE DREAM #1
The first night after the breakup, I had this dream. I can’t remember much. But I remember walking on a road. To my right was a guard rail. And whomever I was with, said the words “resurrection,” and pointed to the field that was on the other side of this guard rail. I turned to face the field, and in it were all of these loving, white, fuzzy creatures. They were animals that looked like a mix between a cat and a llama, with round bellies, and sweet, angelic eyes.
They were bouncing around playfully and joyously. And a few of them came up to me and nuzzled me. I recall one in particular let me scratch his/her (they were kind of genderless) sweet and furry chin. And I remember their blissful, black, squinty eyes, twinkling up at the sky.
I woke up feeling so much love, and so much sweetness and comfort.
RESTORATIVE DREAM #2
The dream I had on my second night of comforting nights, post-breakup, was sexual in nature. Honestly, this was the last thing on my mind, and I don’t know where it came from. But in the dream, I was having a really positive sexual experience with a man (from a random movie whom I don’t even find attractive, but in the dream, I did). We weren’t even having sex, but we were gearing up to have it. And our chemistry was so comfortable, and free, and accepting. We were fully attracted to each other, neither one of us afraid of the other. And it felt delicious.
I woke up feeling so transformed. And had a bit of a revelation about my breakup.
One of the things my ex always complained about was our sex life. He didn’t always complain about it, actually. In fact, whenever I asked him, he always said he was totally happy with our sex life. But during that 10-day period of breakup hell, it all came out. And apparently, he wasn’t so happy with our sex life. And it was mostly, apparently, my fault. I won’t get into the details, but I do think some of that is a bit of bullshit. I’m not saying I’m perfect in bed. But I have always found that when men are insecure about their own sexuality, they are always quick to blame the woman for it, and point out the ways in which we have failed in bed.
And yet after this dream, I felt so hopeful. I imagined the possibility of finally having a partner who adores me sexually and allows me to be completely free. No matter what I do, in bed, and outside of the bedroom, he’s into me, and doesn’t want to change me.
I’m sure that my ex wanted that from me as well. And perhaps I wasn’t able to give him that either. Sometimes two people are just not very sexually compatible. It is a thing, that I never thought was a thing. I always thought love mattered most (and it does, of course), and the rest will take care of itself. And if we would’ve stayed together, it would have been okay. But I think we both would have missed out on having some really positive sexual experiences. That are hopefully yet to come for both of us (separately of course, he with some other gal, and me with some other guy).
THE REALITY THAT IS MY LIFE NOW
I know my comforting nights, and my delicious dreams can’t save me. And my angels can’t go through this for me. All that any of these forces and circumstances can do are support me while I go through this myself.
It’s funny, I’ve always judged people for staying in terrible relationships. And while I do think it behooves every human being to find the courage to leave something that doesn’t make them supremely happy, I also can’t blame them anymore. Because I can see how people would MUCH prefer to adjust to a not-great situation, rather than to go through this pain. Love is truly not for the faint of heart. And my current reality feels like an inescapable hell. But this is where I am right now, and I must believe that it is all for the best. There is happiness in my future, for certain.
And in the meantime, I’m so thankful for my comforting nights, which continue to nestle me in a cocoon of nurturing solace, night after night, as I slosh my way through. One day at a time, I will be okay.
I don’t mean to leave you with a sad quote, but since the day he left me, I have had this beautiful Alanis Morissette song in my head. She says it all, and this is how it feels.
“Reborn and shivering. Spat out on new terrain. Unsure, unconvincing. This faint and shaky hour. Day one, day one, start over again. Step one, step one, I’m barely making sense. From now I’m faking it ’til I’m pseudo making it. From scratch begin again. But this time I as I, and not as we.-Alanis Morissette
Do you experience comforting nights during difficult times? Or, do you find the day more comforting? Have you ever gone through this kind of hell? And how long did it last? Thank you for joining me on this journey. I promise you, it will have a happy ending! And thank goodness for my comforting nights!
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Featured photo by Braden Tavelli on Unsplash
Llama photo by Raspopova Marina on Unsplash