I’ve been feeling the need to get in touch with my deepest insecurities. Because after my painful breakup, I have been feeling so gross about myself, and so unlovable. And all of my false confidences that have carried me through for years are no longer staying strong. Instead, they have been replaced by my darkest warts. Or rather, my warts were always there, and my false confidences were like a hot pink cape, shielding said warts from the light of day. And yet, there’s also a part of me that KNOWS my warts are an illusion. And are really just small invitations for healing. That is why I’m so grateful for this blog. Because here, I can unearth these things, and sort them out through my words. I can untie the knots and make sense of it all. My blog has forever been, and will hopefully always be, my tool for healing.
And I want to be clear that my deepest insecurities are not reflected in my relationships with family or friends. And I don’t feel insecure when it comes to my art or my job. These warts really only ever emerge in romantic relationships. It is my weakness and my Achilles heel. That, and public speaking, but that’s another story.
Listen to my related podcast episode, “Attempting To Uncover How I Really Feel About Myself.”
1. I AM ANNOYING
Ever since I was very young, one of my deepest insecurities has been that that I’m unbearably annoying. And that this annoyingness renders me unforgivably lovable. I know this stems from my childhood.
We grew up in an incredibly dysfunctional, alcoholic home, and we were all doing our best to survive. And my method of survival was to open my mouth and express myself. No filter, and no moderation. I was also desperately needy for attention. And above all else, I worshipped my older sister. Who happened to find me the most annoying little being on the planet. She also adored my twin sister, and constantly compared me to her. All of this on top of the fact that I was already frightened for my well-being on a daily basis, and just wanted some stability, affection, and love.
I can recall her actual disgust towards me when I was in her presence. And I can still hear her sharp words whipping through the room, “Libby, you’re so annoying!” I would be crushed anytime I would hear it. And yet, I kept pushing for more. More attention, more love, more insults. Because I didn’t know what else to do, and any reaction was better than being ignored.
To this day, when someone calls me annoying, or if I even think I’m being annoying, my heart sinks. And I feel indescribable and devastating shame.
I think because I did have such “false confidence” for so many years of my life, I don’t believe those around me worried about me. Or realized how insecure I really was. Maybe they did, but my hot pink cape has been pretty powerful for a very long time. And although I love hot pink, it might be time to take it off.
2. I’M TOO MUCH
This is sort of an extension of the first one. But, it’s slightly different because it’s not just about being annoying. And it has more to do with my overall intense personality in general. I talk a lot, and I have lots of opinions. I’m high energy and I light up when I’m around people. I am an open book and I love to share and hear others share. I’m a complete goofball and can be really over-the-top silly and ridiculous. And it’s taken me years to realize that not everyone is like this. And that in order for me to be well-liked, and not overwhelm people, or shut them out, sometimes I need to pull back.
But I suppose that me pulling back at times feels like I don’t really get to fully be myself in the world. And for the most part, I think I have a pretty good sense of what those around me can and cannot handle. But, when I can be my full-tilt self with someone, it’s actually very relaxing and joyful for me.
However, more times than not, especially when it comes to men, I can sense almost immediately when they are overwhelmed by my energy. And oftentimes, they tell me with words, confirming my instincts. And this repeated feedback from men over the years, has just left me feeling like I’m too much for most people.
3. I SUCK IN BED
Ugh, this one sucks to discuss and I will try to keep it brief. I have not had a long list of partners. However, of the ones that I have had, I have rarely, if ever, received any positive feedback. And have only ever received critiques. At least, I really only remember the critiques, and positive comments are not really coming to mind. And that can really mess with your head if you let it.
I will say that I believe that every partner I have had has also been quite insecure about their own sexuality, and often projected that onto me. They never explicitly expressed their deepest insecurities, but I always just sensed it. Since they always seemed to respond positively to my positive feedback, which I would ALWAYS AND CONSISTENTLY GIVE. And they would respond incredibly negatively (if not with cruelty) to any feedback I would give that was less than amazing. And when I say feedback, I mean me asking for what I want.
An insecure man often takes a woman asking for what she wants in bed as a criticism. When really, it’s a sign of a healthy sexuality and sexual confidence. I’ve NEVER received a positive response when I’ve asked for what I want in the bedroom.
I also think there are good ways and bad ways to communicate with a partner when it comes to sex. And being gentle, caring, thoughtful, loving, and sensitive, are all ways that I have tried to communicate when asking for what I want. And it’s just unfortunate that I don’t feel like that level of care has ever been reciprocated.
So, I’m left with a lot of insecurities and confusion about this aspect of myself.
4. I AM TOO WEIRD FOR MOST NORMAL PEOPLE
I think this one stems from my grade school, middle school, and high school years. Because I was always my whacky self and have been artistic my whole life. And I always crushed hard on the jocks. The sporty bros who kind of checked all the boxes in terms of what society approves of. They were the super smart ones, physically attractive, strong and built, and seemingly confident. I mean, what’s not to like?
But compared to them, I was the strange artsy girl from a broken home. Who was too much for everyone. And yet, in school, I was actually the shyest and quietest girl you would ever come across. After earlier years of experiences with being bullied, I shut down completely in school. And didn’t trust ANYONE with my true self.
But, when I would let my guard down and interact with seemingly normal people, I just felt like such a weirdo. People didn’t relate to me. Or maybe, I wore something that was slightly expressive, more so than most “normal” people were comfortable with. And so, I always just felt like those normal bros and I would never have anything in common. And maybe we wouldn’t have! Although, maybe we would have. But, I was just too insecure to try. And I suppose that still sticks with me a bit. Although, less so now that I’m older, thankfully.
HELP FROM FRIENDS
I took a lovely trip with my closest friends (who love and adore the true me) several months ago. And we all gave each other tarot card readings. I received a reading from my dearest friend Erin, who I hadn’t received a reading from in years. And in that reading, I remember she had said that at his point in my life, I don’t need to change or fix anything about myself. I’ve done the work, and that’s not what this time is for. And that has been really helpful during this difficult period, recovering from heartbreak.
No one who knows me really well would ever accuse me of not working hard enough on myself. I’m the queen of working on myself and self-exploration. I mean, this entire blog is basically about my healing journey. So, after 42 years of life on this Earth, I do believe I can accept the fact that I don’t need to keep excavating my soul. And I can put down those tools and just be. Allowing my deepest insecurities to just be loved and accepted. To settle into me, and just move through life as a whole person, loving both my warts and my beauty marks. And that feels like a nice change after all I’ve been through. Wouldn’t you say?
THANK YOU FOR READING!
So, what are some of your deepest insecurities that still linger from time to time? How do you move through them, and get to a greater place of self-love? Sharing is always my way, and I feel so much better, even now, after writing this. Thank you as always, for being my witness! xo
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Featured photo Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Bedroom photo by Mink Mingle on Unsplash