Argh, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Because I’m a 42 year-old-woman. And have only just realized that one of the reasons my love relationship just ended, is because of love mistakes I’ve been repeating since 2002! Granted, I’ve really only had two serious relationships in the last 20 years. So, if I was a bit more active with romantic risk-taking, I may have discovered this sooner. But, here I am. I’m right here, staring my uggo reality in the face. And it feels like muck. Although, it’s humbling beyond anything.
If you need to get caught up to speed, you can read my article detailing my recent breakup, “I Lost My Dream Life 12 Days Before Christmas.”
MY HISTORY WITH HEALING, GROWTH, AND DARKNESS
Just a bit about me. I have come from a great deal of darkness, originating in childhood. And, for whatever reason, I have always tended to lean heavily into the healing process. Avoidance was just kinda not my thing. And I somehow instinctively knew that I would most likely move through my pain faster, if I just dealt with my shit, head-on. This has really worked for me, throughout my entire life, and I highly recommend it. However, sometimes, we are blind to our own shit. And it takes a breakup, or a traumatic event, to unearth the truth. I can only heal from the things that I am actually aware of. And if they remain buried, it’s much harder to change or grow beyond them. But, that’s what love does. It pushes us to grow. And even though my love is no longer, it’s still healing me, and changing me.
To read more about these new changes, you can read my article, “Experiencing Freedom From Fear and Negativity in New and Improved Ways.”
MY SECURITY ISSUES
For the first time in my life, I’m realizing that ALL of my love mistakes, and flops, and fails, come down to my feelings of security. Or, should I say, insecurity. And I don’t mean in terms of my self-worth or self-esteem. I mean security, in relation to my feelings of safety and safeness in this world.
My childhood was fraught with a fair amount of danger. Or, at least, that’s how it felt. Luckily, my sister and I were never actually physically harmed. But, we were neglected, and placed in very dangerous situations, regularly. So, as a child, I lived in a constant state of terror. Terror for my life. Death was something that seemed like a real possibility in my mind. And when a person is so little and young, there’s really no way to cope. My twin sister went kind of mentally bye-bye, left her body, and used lots of different mental tricks to stay sane during the chaos. However, my brand of coping was through control. And fantasy.
Gosh, I could write endless blog posts about both of these topics. But I will say, with regards to my love mistakes, from a very early age, I decided something. I decided that as long as I could someday find a man, who would love and protect me, I would be safe. And would never be scared again, and would therefore always be happy. I know this sounds so silly, but I was literally 5 years old when I came up with this scheme. And I held onto it for dear life. Until…hmm, up until about now.
So, after I made this decision at the age of 5 years old, I proceeded to fantasize my way through love for the next 15 years. It’s difficult for me to describe what this was like, but I will say that I became very comfortable with love illusions. The reality of my life was just too unbearable, and the fantasies I created about men coming to save me, felt SO good. So much so, that I would typically choose fantasy over reality, in any given moment. I spent years crushing on boys, but never actually did anything about it. And when confronted with the reality of a boy, my body would immediately course with petrified anxiety. And I would run away, returning to my safe and cozy fantasy land.
Fast forward to my current situation, my recently failed relationship, and this is what we have. We have a man who checked off SOOOOOO many boxes for me in terms of safety and security. I felt so deliciously comfortable in his arms. And I felt cared for and nurtured. We shared a living space as well, so I was no longer solely responsible for scary life things like bills, and chores, and dealing with dirt, and thunderstorms. And it also just felt so good to be building a life with someone who I actually really loved being with.
This isn’t to imply that security was the only reason I was with him. Not at all! But, for me, I think I was SO incredibly happy. Because I felt so incredibly cared for, in the way that I had predetermined in my childhood. That nothing could break that spell for me. Absolutely nothing.
He also has really beautiful eyes, and there’s just no getting around that one 🙂
Towards the end of our relationship, and even throughout, my ex would sometimes try to point out some ways in which we might not be very compatible. Or say things that ultimately threatened my fragile fantasy. Also, sometimes he would express ways in which I may have been unaccepting of who he actually is. And whenever any of these various attempts were made, it was just too threatening for me and my fantasy. And I would react strongly to his stabs at honesty, and try to shut them down quickly.
Unfortunately, he is less of a confrontational person, so he would almost always default to just stuffing it down and keeping it to himself. For fear of upsetting me, or having a conflict. He has admitted to his contribution in this dynamic. And I have admitted to mine as well. But damn, this makes for a perfectly codependent storm of love muck. And I feel gross about the part I played in this dance of love mistakes.
But, I was doing my best, and so was he.
LOVE SCHOOL IS IN SESSION
Love is one of our greatest teachers. And as of now, my love school is in fucking session. Once a breakup takes place, there is so much to sort out. With who did what, and why, and how did we get to this place? So for me, writing about it, and talking about it, and sharing about it, is my way of kind of studying the subject matter. Reviewing the lessons and preparing for my next test. And I’m convinced that if I don’t sort through this mess, I will just make the same love mistakes with someone else.
I think it’s fair to say that no two people really ever get it right. Without a fair amount of work, trial and error, luck, and support. Love is just one of the hardest things. Because it’s one of the greatest things, that we all want. And love lost is definitely a tragedy.
This feels like one of the worst things that has ever happened to me. And this includes all the bullshit from my childhood. But, I also believe that some of the darkest moments of my life have led to incredibly powerful transformations, opportunities, and expansions. So, I truly can’t wait to see what is in store for me next.
I hope you will join me on this journey!
Thank you always for reading and for your support! Where would I be without you?! What are some of your love mistakes? Do you relate to my experience, and how did you work your way through it? I can’t wait to hear your responses! xo
Surviving, on the long and winding road to thriving…
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Featured photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash
Dark forest photo by Peter Oswald on Unsplash
Glitter eye photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash