Before I get into the topic of how and why powerful women need and want love too, let me start by saying that all women are powerful. All of them. Every last one of them. The passive housewife who has been “obedient” to her husband for her entire life is powerful. Women may not have been given proper opportunities to express their power, but this doesn’t mean that they don’t have it.
And after I get done sharing a bit about women and their power, I want to share about a powerful woman’s plight when it comes to love. Because I have found that the more powerful a woman is, and the more comfortable she is in her own power, the more trouble she has with love. And I don’t believe it’s because she’s “difficult,” or because her heart is shut down. I believe it’s because there are not enough men out there who can handle being side-by-side, in love with a truly powerful woman. And it’s so unfortunate. Because a woman should be able to be powerful and still experience love. But, for the most part, she is often punished for it. And must ultimately choose between her own power, or peaceful companionship.
I personally, would love to find both. And I believe all women deserve this, if they so desire it.
In the points I’m making below, and throughout this entire article, I am absolutely, 100% generalizing. I’m making sweeping statements that I believe many women, mostly my readers, will relate to, and feel empowered by. And I am sensitive to the fact that my words contain stereotypes and false truths as well. But whatever, it’s my blog, and my brand, so I’m leaning into what I have, for the most part, found to be true.
INTUITIVE AND INSTINCTIVE
Women are naturally intuitive and instinctive. This is a powerful trait that is undervalued in our society. This gift is often written off as woo-woo, or witchy, or non-existent. But that’s just the world’s way of robbing a woman of her power. And a woman, unfortunately, often believes what the world tells her about her own power, or lack thereof.
Women can sense so many things before they actually happen, often much faster than men. And women can sometimes just know the right thing to say or do in a moment. Women get gut feelings all of the time, and receive messages through dreams, and intuition, and psychic hits. But even we as women often think we’re being ridiculous.
However, how many times have you, as a woman, had an instinct about something, but then ignored it? And then kicked yourself when you realized later that you were right, and that you should have trusted yourself? This happens ALL the time to women. And our problem isn’t the messages we receive, or the way we receive them. The problem is that we’ve been taught not to trust ourselves. Because a woman with sharp instincts who trusts herself is a POWERFUL goddess! And these kinds of powerful women are a complete threat to the patriarchy.
SPEAKING OF PATRIARCHY
Just a quick note about this. Because the incredible genius, bell hooks, just recently passed. And I read an amazing quote from her about patriarchy. That I believe will temper a bit of this article, and keep things in balance.
“The first act of violence that patriarchy demands of males is not violence toward women. Instead patriarchy demands of all males that they engage in acts of psychic self-mutilation, that they kill off the emotional parts of themselves. If an individual is not successful in emotionally crippling himself, he can count on patriarchal men to enact rituals of power that will assault his self-esteem.“–bell hooks, The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love, 2004
I do believe very strongly that women are not the only victims of a patriarchal society. And this quote above just breaks my heart. I think it’s important to keep this in mind, while still finding ways to promote, nurture, and support female power.
BEAUTY AND SEXUALITY
A woman’s beauty, as well as her sexuality, are massive sources of incredible power. Which is why society fucks with a woman’s sense of beauty and sexuality, every day, all day long. A woman’s beauty can literally take a man’s breath away and make him forget his words. And a woman expressing herself sexually is so powerful, it typically frightens most people, both men and women.
Think of the sexiest, most seductive woman you know. Do you feel intimidated by her? And does she invoke a strong, emotional response in you? Probably! But guess what? She’s a person too, with feelings, and vulnerabilities. But society just treats her as a threat. And because she is a threat, she must be kept down. She must be raped, or called a “slut,” or treated as an object. And there’s no way she could possibly be intelligent, and sexually powerful, at the same time. It’s either one or the other, and that’s all she’s allowed.
You might enjoy my article, “The World Is Petrified Of Strong Females.”
Women are smart as fuck. There’s no way around it. I don’t give a fuck about education, and I don’t think it matters. There are so many kinds of intelligences. But the only ones that are truly valued in our patriarchal society, are that of the (stereotypically masculine) book smart, logical, scientific, mathematical, and/or education-based variety. Which, by the way, so many women also rock at. But, if women don’t possess these particular intelligences, or for whatever reason, just aren’t drawn to them, their intelligence is often overlooked. Other kinds of intelligences that women might possess can be anything from street smarts, to emotional intelligence, to visual intelligence, to spiritual intelligence. But these kinds of intelligences are almost always considered inferior to the patriarchal brand of smart.
Think about the education system in this world. It was ultimately created and dominated by wealthy, white males. And often (and even now), women were not even allowed to participate. The higher education system mostly values more stereotypically masculine intelligences, like the ones mentioned above. Educated white men rule the world, and their intelligence is the kind that is valued by most. But that does not mean it’s the most valuable. It just means they’ve bullied the rest of humanity into believing their way is best. No one ever argues with a college degree, or with science and math. And that’s not to say that this kind of information is false or invaluable. It’s just not necessarily always the best. And yet, it’s always the final word when it comes to intelligence. And the more stereotypically female intelligences, are constantly, categorically dismissed.
WOMEN IN POWER AND IN LOVE
I hate to use pop culture as a frame of reference for such an important topic. However, I do think that Hollywood is a fascinating microcosm of the macrocosm in our society, if we can step away for a moment, and view individual celebrities as human beings on their own human paths.
How many divorces have wee been seeing over the last few years in Hollywood? And how many of these women who have experienced divorce, are in many ways, equally, if not more so, as powerful than their ex-husbands?
KIM KARDASHIAN AND KANYE WEST
GIADA DE LAURENTIIS AND TODD THOMPSON
CHRISHELL STAUSE AND JUSTIN HARTLEY
JENNIFER LOPEZ AND ALEX RODRIGUEZ
KALEY CUOCO AND KARL COOK
I remember when Giada De Laurentiis was going through a divorce with her husband, and I thought back to a quote I had heard her say during her marriage. And I can’t help but wonder if there is something to this. She is not the only woman who deals with trying to balance her own power with her husband’s ego. All women know their husbands and know what will feel like a threat to them. And often, to keep the peace, women will instinctively dim their own light, for the benefit of their husband’s confidence. And it’s unfortunate bullshit that women must do this, and I think many do it without even realizing.
“I think it can be hard for any man to sometimes be upstaged by his wife. So when I’m home, I work very hard to be Todd’s wife and Jade’s mother. I have no problem going back to those traditional roles. I try to be Giada, the young girl that he met 20 years ago and fell in love with. All men want to be treated like kings in a relationship, and I think if women don’t indulge that sometimes, their men are likely to stray and look for someone who can give that to them. It’s simple. It’s not brain surgery.”–Giada De Laurentiis
This quote honestly blows my mind. And it was clearly coming from a place of a woman trying her best to make all of the pieces in her life fit together. Whether or not this quote represents the crux of the reason for her divorce, I don’t know. And of course, it’s none of my business. But I just can’t help but wonder. Because I know so many women, in my own life, who do the same kind of thing in their relationships. And no one really talks about it very openly, or even in this exact context. But that doesn’t mean it’s not happening.
POWER STRUGGLES IN LOVE
A woman might be super rocking it at work. And she might know how to stand up for herself, and express her feelings clearly and firmly with her partner. This honestly might be the extent of the power she chooses to exert in her relationship. And even this might be enough to inspire her partner to act out, disrespect, verbally abuse, withhold, and/or become resentful towards her. And honestly, she hasn’t even scratched the surface of her power. He’s making no room for it, and she knows it. She doesn’t want to lose her love, so she finds all kinds of ways to make herself smaller. For him. And for the relationship.
Men have all kinds of reasons for being threatened by a woman’s power. And it almost always has nothing to do with her, and everything to do with him. Again, I feel sensitive to a man’s emotional path as well, and I understand that men have all kinds of terribly fucked up demons to wrestle with also. Demons that they neither deserve, nor asked for, but were also handed by society, or their family, or whatever. But, it’s also a man’s job to work through those demons responsibly and maturely. And often, a man would much rather blame his female goddess counterpart, than deal with his own shit.
So, where does that leave powerful women who also need and want love?
A GODDESS AND A GOD IN LOVE
If you’ve been following this blog, you will know that I’m recently single. You can read about the details in my article, “I Lost My Dream Life 12 Days Before Christmas.”
And so, as a 42 year-old woman of power, recovering from heartbreak, but also facing forward, looking for new love, I must reflect. My ex was pretty far along in the area of ego and power, but he also wasn’t. We often had power struggles, but when I did point things out to him, he was pretty damn good about accepting the areas in which he needed to be more respectful and self-aware. To me, that’s about as much as we can ask for as women, at this stage of our spiritual evolutionary journey as humans.
Trust me, I would LOVE to never have to defend myself or my power in my love relationship. But, I think it’s the reality that we as powerful women currently face. And this may not be something that can be changed in our lifetime. But, we can do our best to guide our beloveds, lovingly, and firmly, along the way. And hope this makes a difference for future goddess generations.
I’m not going to lie, I don’t feel all that hopeful about my prospects moving forward. But, I am also trying to remain optimistic. Because I do know I am meant for great love in this life. And yet, I know that I can’t have it with a man who is constantly tamping down my power and my light.
KEEP YOUR HEART OPEN, GODDESS!
I don’t know about you, but I have to say, I’m super good at being powerful AND being vulnerable. I remember, in my article, “Women Answer: What Do You Love About Being A Woman?,” this was the overall response from women. Most women in this article, in one way or another, referenced this unique female ability, to combine strength with softness. And recognized that it is truly one of the most beautiful gifts we have to offer the world.
It’s so hard to keep our hearts open, when they are being constantly broken, and wounded, and messed with. Our hearts break when we don’t feel respected after sharing our feelings. And our hearts break when we are disrespected by someone we really and truly respect. But through all of these mini, sometimes daily breaks to the heart, we must still stay soft. Because our softness will actually keep us pliable, and flexible, and sturdy, and strong. Our softness will open other hearts, and melt away walls, and blocks, and pains.
This is no small task, I know. And it’s easy to think, “Don’t I have enough shit to worry about?! Now I also have to be strong, and be soft, at the same time, for the greater good of those around me?!” And to that I say, “YES, Goddess!” It’s the path of The Goddess Attainable, and we are so equipped to do this. We were built for this kind of soft and healing strength. And we just need to be courageous enough to keep stretching ourselves in this world. Even if it makes those around us a bit uncomfortable.
A FINAL NOTE ABOUT POWER
Sometimes, I think the word “power” can be misleading. And we all have our own ideas of what power might mean. I also understand that many of these ideas can be really negative in nature. So, let me clarify.
I don’t think power is dangerous or hurtful, unless it’s being abused. Instead, power can look like a beautiful woman who knows she’s beautiful. She’s not doing anything wrong, or trying to hurt anyone. She’s just being herself, in her own confidence. Power can also look like speaking out and standing up for yourself. And if done with kindness and respect, this can never be a bad thing.
So, what are some positive ways in which you express your own power? Just something to think about!
So, what do you think of this monster of an article? It’s a long one, I know, so thanks for reading all of it! Have you ever witnessed powerful women tamp down their power? Do you find yourself doing this in your own life, without even realizing? I know it’s hard, but awareness is the first step to making great changes. And the world needs both our power and our light! Don’t you think? xo
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Featured photo by Alimarel on Unsplash
Woman in water photo by Manuel Meurisse on Unsplash
Library photo by Clay Banks on Unsplash
Smiling woman photo by Nick Owuor (astro.nic.visuals) on Unsplash