One of the hardest parts about being dumped, is the fact that I had no say in the matter. And I’m really struggling right now to accept life on life’s terms. Because what this task requires is to basically sit and stew in the filth that is my current life. I can squirm and wriggle and try to free myself from this reality swamp. But the more I resist, the longer it’s going to take for me to get through this grieving process. This much I know. So, what I really need to do is just accept a few painful facts.
If you haven’t read about my recent breakup, check out, “I Lost My Dream Life 12 Days Before Christmas.”
1. HE DOESN’T WANT ME
Yes, maybe he was attracted to me, and maybe he loved me. But the fact is, he ended our relationship, against my will. And there is no deeper, hidden meaning behind this. It simply means he didn’t, and doesn’t, want to be with me. And whatever I was giving wasn’t enough to make him want to stay. Accepting life on life’s terms means that I can’t have what I really, really want right now. And there’s nothing I can do about it. Except experience the rejection. And grieve. So much grieving.
2. I DON’T LIKE MY LIFE RIGHT NOW
There’s no way of getting around this one either. I feel so grateful to have such good friends, and such supportive and loving family members. My dearest loved ones have been surrounding me with their warmth, and making all the difference during this terrible time. But still, I hate my life right now. And I loved it the way it was before. And there’s nothing I can do about this right now. Except feel my feelings and work my way through this, one day at time. And try to build my life back to a place that makes me happy.
I do believe this will be a great adventure. And that my new life will take on a new shape, and size, and flavor, more better and brighter than ever before. But, I’m not there yet, and I have no idea how to get there. So, I just have to put one foot in front of the other, sloshing along in this life mud.
3. I’M 42 AND SINGLE, AND CAN’T TURN BACK TIME
I have always imagined having children. And I thought my ex would be the father of my children. Because it took me so long to find actual love. And once I found love with him, I thought that was it. Or, at least I hoped. I wrote about this in my article, “Are You Keeping Your Deepest Desire Hidden From The World?” And in that article, from several months back, my ex at the time seemed to be open to the idea of having children with me. But no. This is no longer. And maybe it never was. And there’s nothing I can do about this. I am 42, and single, and don’t know what is in store for me. But perhaps pregnancy is not. And this just makes me incredibly sad.
4. THE CONNECTION HAS BEEN SEVERED
Probably the hardest thing for me to accept is the fact that I was emotionally connected to a man for three and a half years. And within the span of about 30 minutes (the time it took for us to break up and for him to leave the apartment), this connection was severed for all time. I still can’t wrap my brain around how two people can be so close, and then almost immediately, never be close again.
I still get sad thinking about my first boyfriend, even though I was actually relieved to be out of that relationship. I was never actually in love with him, but did love him, lived with him, and shared an intimate relationship with him for a full five years. We broke up in 2007, and the last time I saw him was 14 years ago when I drove away in a moving truck. It’s just a fucked up thing to happen to two people. And I just struggle so deeply to accept the sadness of it all.
I don’t believe my most recent ex is sad to be without me. Because I don’t think he was ever as emotionally connected as I was. So, this separation is not traumatic for him. Accepting life on life’s terms requires me to stare this sadness in the face, and just own it. It’s a fact of life, and a fact of love. And I hate it!
5. SADNESS IS A PART OF LIFE
I have to continue to remind myself that my sadness won’t kill me. It feels like it will, but it won’t. Sadness is just a feeling. Like joy. And perhaps it’s a bit more uncomfortable to experience than other feelings. But, it’s doing its job as a tool for healing. And I must allow it into my realm. So it can do the work it needs to do, and bring me back to a happy place. Happy is where I want to be, always. We all want to be there. But it’s just not the way life works. And accepting life on life’s terms, means accepting sadness. And not resisting it, or smothering it, or numbing it, or trying to run from it. I must just be with it. Even though it makes me want to shut down and give up completely.
A GLIMMER OF HOPE
I can get really dark, and super negative, and seriously wallow in my bad feelings. However, it’s also really not my style to stay there. It just doesn’t feel productive or good to dwell, once I’ve really dug into the deep, dark shit.
Years ago, I created a painting series to process my childhood trauma. And in each painting, I really got into it emotionally. I went there, and wasn’t afraid to feel all the muck. But, before I completed each painting, I left a final emblem to kind of seal each work. It was my way of setting an intention to remain hopeful, even despite hardship. So, somewhere in each painting, I nestled a sliver of a rainbow, to ensure I would never forget to keep believing in love and happiness.
Urbanscape V, mixed media on canvas, 24″ x 36″ 2009 © Libby Saylor
I’d like to do something similar now, rather than leave a bunch of open-ended muck hanging in this blogging ether. So, here are a few perks that I want to try to keep in mind, whenever I feel like I’m staying a bit too long in my hopeless, dark place. It’s not my way of avoiding the darkness, or running from my feelings. It’s just my way of reframing these feelings, once I’ve gotten in touch with them.
SERIOUSLY, MY SKIN HAS NEVER LOOKED BETTER, AND TEARS ARE REALLY GREAT EXFOLIATORS
I HAVE CRAZY AMOUNTS OF PEOPLE AROUND ME WHO LOVE ME JUST THE WAY I AM AND WHO BELIEVE IN ME AND MY LOVABILITY
I DON’T THINK ONE CAN TRULY KNOW ALL THE FACETS OF LOVE UNTIL THEY EXPERIENCE HEARTBREAK. SO, I GOT THAT GOING FOR ME NOW
ALL THE THINGS THAT WERE MISSING IN THIS RELATIONSHIP MIGHT POSSIBLY BE FULFILLED IN MY NEXT ONE
HEARTBREAK MAKES FOR AMAZING ART AND BLOGGING MATERIAL
NOW THAT I’M SINGLE, I CAN RECLAIM ALL OF THOSE GODDESS PARTS OF ME THAT I ABANDONED WHEN I WAS IN MY RELATIONSHIP
I CAN NOW TALK FREELY ABOUT SPIRITUALITY, MAGIC, FAIRIES, AND GODDESSES, AND NOT WORRY THAT HE MIGHT TEASE ME (WHICH HE OFTEN DID, AND WHICH FELT LIKE A DISRESPECTFUL DISMISSAL OF SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO ME)
HE WAS PRETTY MESSY, SO NOW I GET TO ENJOY A MUCH CLEANER PLACE TO LIVE
I CAN GET BACK TO EATING HEALTHIER, BECAUSE I ATE A LOT MORE JUNK WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, SINCE IT’S KIND FUN TO EAT JUNK WITH ANOTHER PERSON, AND HE LOVED JUNK
Not gonna lie, I feel a bit better after listing those things, and I could probably keep going if I wanted to. Which is the amazing thing about gratitude. Once you get going, you realize how many amazing gifts are already in view.
Thank you always for your support and for taking the time to read my beloved blog. So, how good are you at accepting life on life’s terms? Especially when things are not going your way? It’s so hard, isn’t it? But I do think it’s the best way through. And it requires a goddess-level maturity that I am always up for cultivating! Until next time…xo
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Featured photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash
Mud photo by Matt Seymour on Unsplash
Sad kitten photo by Don Hassan on Unsplash