LEANING INTO THE MYSTERIES OF LOVE ITSELF

I struggle each day to make sense of my recent break-up. Each day, I try to understand how this could have happened to me. And how love can deliver such sadness, and pain, and unexplainable, tragic grief. Unfortunately, the more I try to understand it all, the more pain it seems to cause me. And so, I’m now playing with the idea of leaning into the mysteries of love itself. Because maybe love itself, and my idea of love, is the thing that I must make some peace with. My relationship is over, and there is no peace to be found regarding this failed union. But, perhaps I just need to step back a bit, and look at the bigger love picture. Continue reading LEANING INTO THE MYSTERIES OF LOVE ITSELF

LEAN INTO GRIEF AND DISCOVER THE MYSTERIES OF ITS WISDOM

My best friend sent me a link to an amazing podcast episode yesterday. And ever since I listened to it, I have been practicing deliberate heart-work, in order to help me process my grief. As discussed in the episode, I have been finding that when we lean into grief, rather than run from it, we uncover all of our illusions. And when we drop from our heads into our hearts, and honor the wisdom of our chest-center, we can move through grief, pain, loss, and sadness, in a much more productive way. It’s such hard work, but so much better than avoidance. Continue reading LEAN INTO GRIEF AND DISCOVER THE MYSTERIES OF ITS WISDOM

OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN, AND REPEATED MY LOVE MISTAKES

Argh, I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. Because I’m a 42 year-old-woman. And have only just realized that one of the reasons my love relationship just ended, is because of love mistakes I’ve been repeating since 2002! Granted, I’ve really only had two serious relationships in the last 20 years. So, if I was a bit more active with romantic risk-taking, I may have discovered this sooner. But, here I am. I’m right here, staring my uggo reality in the face. And it feels like muck. Although, it’s humbling beyond anything. Continue reading OOPS, I DID IT AGAIN, AND REPEATED MY LOVE MISTAKES

EXPERIENCING FREEDOM FROM FEAR AND NEGATIVITY IN NEW AND IMPROVED WAYS

Experiencing a break-up feels a bit like experiencing the death of a loved one. One goes through the same grieving process, and this process can’t be forced. It just sucks, and there’s no fucking way around it. But what also miraculously happens after a death, if we are open to it, are newfound open windows, doors, insights, and magic. We are often graced by these new opportunities, and don’t necessarily have to force them. We just have to hold on, white-knuckling, surviving the waves of sadness. And allow Grace to heal us, and gift us with new possibilities. And since my recent break-up, I am already experiencing freedom from fear and negativity in new and improved ways. Continue reading EXPERIENCING FREEDOM FROM FEAR AND NEGATIVITY IN NEW AND IMPROVED WAYS

STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW TO ACCEPT LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS

One of the hardest parts about being dumped, is the fact that I had no say in the matter. And I’m really struggling right now to accept life on life’s terms. Because what this task requires is to basically sit and stew in the filth that is my current life. I can squirm and wriggle and try to free myself from this reality swamp. But the more I resist, the longer it’s going to take for me to get through this grieving process. This much I know. So, what I really need to do is just accept a few painful facts. Continue reading STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW TO ACCEPT LIFE ON LIFE’S TERMS

I WELCOME THE COMFORTING NIGHTS AND DREAD MY AWAKE TIME

ally struggling during my waking hours. The nights have been my time of ultimate healing, and recovery, and restoration. And I haven’t been actively doing anything to move it along. I’ve been unconscious for most of it, and it’s been happening to me, and for me. Thank you, Nighttime, you are the best! Continue reading I WELCOME THE COMFORTING NIGHTS AND DREAD MY AWAKE TIME

I LOST MY DREAM LIFE 12 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS

“I don’t want to marry you,” he said to me, shaking and emotional over dinner on Friday, December 3rd, 2021. He had been kinda weird and distant all week, but I didn’t know why. I calmly muttered back, “Do you even want to be with me?” Like, are we talking break-up, heartbreak, nightmare? Or just an unconventional life path, moving forward as beloved partners? I felt like I already knew the answer, but of course I needed clarity. He responded that he wasn’t sure. And over the next week and a half, day by day, conversation by conversation, reality set in, as I tried to fight it and push it back hard. And on Monday, December 13th, I officially lost my dream life. Continue reading I LOST MY DREAM LIFE 12 DAYS BEFORE CHRISTMAS