I was on my couch last night, having a perfectly fine evening. My belly was full after eating a delicious meal of chick pea masala, brown rice, a salad, and a glass of wine. And I was sitting down to watch the finale of Spring Baking Championship on Food Network. When quite suddenly, I just began crying, and crying, and crying. And it still kind of amazes me that after almost 5 months following my heart-wrenching breakup, the tears are still flowing. But, it’s okay, and I’m okay.
The grief hit me in a weird way last night. Before my couch tears began, I got up to go to the bathroom and was on the toilet, staring out the window. And all of a sudden, the realization came over me that he’s really gone. Of course, I know he’s gone, and I’ve known that he’s been gone. But, sometimes I really don’t think about it. Or, I’m really aware of the fact that he’s gone, and feel pretty okay about it. Yet, in those moments, it hits me in a different way that is quite overwhelming.
Because in reality, I’m still in shock that this man I loved and touched and hugged and laughed with, day in and day out, for three and a half years, is no longer in my life. He’s no longer in my home, his home, with me. He’s gone. His physical presence is completely no longer. And I just can’t believe it. In those moments, the shock is so sharp. And after that shock hits me, I just cry and cry. But, it’s okay.
I don’t know why when I’m crying, I feel the need to take a picture. I think because it’s kind of an out of body experience for me. It feels so unreal, and the photographer in me wants to document it. I also might just be completely self-indulgent, self-obsessed, and melodramatic. But, tell me you’ve never done it!
HEALING TAKES TIME, BUT IT’S OKAY
After the shock hit me in the bathroom, I came back out to the living room and kept watching my show. But, I noticed that my heart was palpitating. I didn’t panic or worry about my health. Because I’ve been through enough heartbreak to know that this was just my heart’s physical reaction to emotional pain.
Read my related article, “Heart Chakra Healing,” where I share about my breakup from 20 years ago, and how I wound up in the emergency room from a broken heart!
The heart is such a tender object, such a delicate organ. Yes, it can be strong and resilient. But it’s also incredibly sensitive and takes its time with EVERYTHING.
That evening when I got in the shower, I made sure to treat my heart with the love it needed and deserved. I don’t know if this had any actual physical effects, but I would like to think so. And I also think the act of drawing attention to something is a beautiful way of sending it love.
TAKING CARE OF MY HEART
(not sponsored, just sharing)
So, I used my favorite sugar scrub, Herbivore Botanicals Coco Rose Exfoliating Body Scrub, and rubbed it all over my chest center. It has a really earthy rose smell, and I would like to think this relaxed my heart a bit.
Then, when I got out of the shower, I used my two go-two essential oils for heart flutters, heart palpitations, and heart racing anxiety. I applied about 10 drops of Rosewood Oil and 10 drops of Lavender Fine oil, directly to my chest center. As I did this, the tears began flowing yet again, and I just let them flow.
Read my related article, “My Top 8 Favorite Essential Oils,” and listen to my podcast episode, “How To Navigate The Intricate World Of Medicinal Essential Oils.”
I’M STILL SAD, BUT IT’S OKAY
I jotted a few notes down as I sobbed quietly on the couch. And it helped me get in touch with the emotions that were flowing. The tears continued to flow because I just kept looking over at the area of the kitchen where he would come down from upstairs. And greet me with a smile, happy to join me for an evening of couch potato cuddling and fun. And I just miss that, and can’t believe that won’t ever happen, ever again.
You’re not coming down from upstairs to join me on the couch tonight. You’re not ever going to see me again. And I’m not going to see you. After seeing you every day. Every night. Coming down from upstairs. To join me on the couch. For two years. 730 days of you coming down from upstairs. Happy to see me. You used to be happy to see me. And be close to me. But then something changed. And I don’t know what happened. But I miss you. And I can’t believe you’re gone. I can’t believe you won’t ever be happy to see me again.-me, last night
THANK YOU FOR READING!
So, can you relate to this kind of grief? Where the reality of loss just kind of hits you, even when you thought you were fine? I know I’m still only 5 months out, and the heart takes so much time to heal. So, it’s okay. But, ugh, some days, and some nights are just rough. However, the heart keeps going, and so will I! And so will you, whatever it is! Take care of your heart, let yourself cry, and let yourself feel. And you’ll get through it, I know. xo
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Featured photo by Ali Abdul Rahman on Unsplash