I was on my couch last night, having a perfectly fine evening. My belly was full after eating a delicious meal of chick pea masala, brown rice, a salad, and a glass of wine. And I was sitting down to watch the finale of Spring Baking Championship on Food Network. When quite suddenly, I just began crying, and crying, and crying. And it still kind of amazes me that after almost 5 months following my heart-wrenching breakup, the tears are still flowing. But, it’s okay, and I’m okay.
The grief hit me in a weird way last night. Before my couch tears began, I got up to go to the bathroom and was on the toilet, staring out the window. And all of a sudden, the realization came over me that he’s really gone. Of course, I know he’s gone, and I’ve known that he’s been gone. But, sometimes I really don’t think about it. Or, I’m really aware of the fact that he’s gone, and feel pretty okay about it. Yet, in those moments, it hits me in a different way that is quite overwhelming.
Because in reality, I’m still in shock that this man I loved and touched and hugged and laughed with, day in and day out, for three and a half years, is no longer in my life. He’s no longer in my home, his home, with me. He’s gone. His physical presence is completely no longer. And I just can’t believe it. In those moments, the shock is so sharp. And after that shock hits me, I just cry and cry. But, it’s okay.
I don’t know why when I’m crying, I feel the need to take a picture. I think because it’s kind of an out of body experience for me. It feels so unreal, and the photographer in me wants to document it. I also might just be completely self-indulgent, self-obsessed, and melodramatic. But, tell me you’ve never done it!
HEALING TAKES TIME, BUT IT’S OKAY
After the shock hit me in the bathroom, I came back out to the living room and kept watching my show. But, I noticed that my heart was palpitating. I didn’t panic or worry about my health. Because I’ve been through enough heartbreak to know that this was just my heart’s physical reaction to emotional pain.
Read my related article, “Heart Chakra Healing,” where I share about my breakup from 20 years ago, and how I wound up in the emergency room from a broken heart!
The heart is such a tender object, such a delicate organ. Yes, it can be strong and resilient. But it’s also incredibly sensitive and takes its time with EVERYTHING.
That evening when I got in the shower, I made sure to treat my heart with the love it needed and deserved. I don’t know if this had any actual physical effects, but I would like to think so. And I also think the act of drawing attention to something is a beautiful way of sending it love.
TAKING CARE OF MY HEART
(not sponsored, just sharing)
So, I used my favorite sugar scrub, Herbivore Botanicals Coco Rose Exfoliating Body Scrub, and rubbed it all over my chest center. It has a really earthy rose smell, and I would like to think this relaxed my heart a bit.
Then, when I got out of the shower, I used my two go-two essential oils for heart flutters, heart palpitations, and heart racing anxiety. I applied about 10 drops of Rosewood Oil and 10 drops of Lavender Fine oil, directly to my chest center. As I did this, the tears began flowing yet again, and I just let them flow.
Read my related article, “My Top 8 Favorite Essential Oils,” and listen to my podcast episode, “How To Navigate The Intricate World Of Medicinal Essential Oils.”
I’M STILL SAD, BUT IT’S OKAY
I jotted a few notes down as I sobbed quietly on the couch. And it helped me get in touch with the emotions that were flowing. The tears continued to flow because I just kept looking over at the area of the kitchen where he would come down from upstairs. And greet me with a smile, happy to join me for an evening of couch potato cuddling and fun. And I just miss that, and can’t believe that won’t ever happen, ever again.
You’re not coming down from upstairs to join me on the couch tonight. You’re not ever going to see me again. And I’m not going to see you. After seeing you every day. Every night. Coming down from upstairs. To join me on the couch. For two years. 730 days of you coming down from upstairs. Happy to see me. You used to be happy to see me. And be close to me. But then something changed. And I don’t know what happened. But I miss you. And I can’t believe you’re gone. I can’t believe you won’t ever be happy to see me again.
-me, last night
THANK YOU FOR READING!
So, can you relate to this kind of grief? Where the reality of loss just kind of hits you, even when you thought you were fine? I know I’m still only 5 months out, and the heart takes so much time to heal. So, it’s okay. But, ugh, some days, and some nights are just rough. However, the heart keeps going, and so will I! And so will you, whatever it is! Take care of your heart, let yourself cry, and let yourself feel. And you’ll get through it, I know. xo
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Great big hugs to you, Libby 💜
Grief is such a long and unpredictable journey. Five months might as well be five minutes. Grief jolts come out of nowhere. I’m glad you are embracing self-compassion and self-care.
I took photos when I started crying last year. I was so shocked by my tears that I just grabbed my phone and started taking these out of focus and out of frame pics so I could look back and remember that I cried.
XO💜
Yes thank you for sharing how you took snaps of yourself as well! It just feels so surreal when it’s happening, it feels worth documenting. And there’s also a strange beauty in crying, so the artist in me wants to capture the essence of that as well. I wrote this post a few weeks ago and I’m having a nice week at least so far! So I’m enjoying that while I can. Thank you, Goddess! xoxox
I just came back from a two week trip visiting each of my three older brothers across the country. (post to follow in a few days). My heart hurt when I saw the way one of my brothers was living. He had essentially isolated himself from others and his apartment was crammed to the gills with crap. There were many other issues too, but I won’t go into those due to privacy and space. I felt overwhelmed and a touch guilty for not knowing. I didn’t sleep well because it was so upsetting. I called my wife early the next morning, and I poured out my heart to her and cried. The situation is different from yours, but I was grieving. It was a necessary thing before I could move on. Instead of doing a bunch of fun things with him, I realized my time there could best be used to help him. We went out and bought him his first cellphone, and I began teaching him how to use it. While there are still plenty of necessary things to do (finding a new apartment and getting rid of a lot of stuff), I was still sad, but we’d taken some important first steps.
My point is grieving is necessary before we can move on. There is no time table. I know you understand all this already, but you are completely normal still having these feelings. My best to you, Libby, as you navigate the inevitable sadness that comes from losing someone close.
Thank you so much for sharing this Pete. And despite everything, I hope you enjoyed some of your trip as well. And I’m so sorry to hear about your brother, but it also sounds like he’s lucky to have you! I’m also glad you were able to cry with your wife and just let it all out. So healthy and great, even tho I’m sure it felt wretched. Sending good vibes to your brother and hoping he’s going to be okay. And welcome back home! I’m looking forward to seeing that post 😊
I feel your pain! I remember this one day a few months into my last break – when watching the sunset alone in my apartment just made me realise that I’ll never watch a beautiful sunset with him. I broke down and called my best friend, who was with me on the phone for an hour to just let me know that I’m not alone. Argh. Break ups suck!
Grieving and crying is so helpful in putting the past behind us. So grieve and just take out all the pain, so that you can leave it behind in the past.
I used to wonder if there’ll ever come a day when I’ll wake up and he (my ex) won’t be my first thought in the morning. And then that day came and I didn’t even realise till a few days into not thinking about him that I wasn’t thinking about him. I hope you reach that stage soon. ❤️
Yes thank you Moksha! And I wrote this post several weeks ago and I’ve been feeling so much better even now. Time is such the ultimate healer. But also so comforting to hear your experiences, even tho I’m sorry u had to got through that! But it just shows us what we really want and deserve 💖
I’m glad you let yourself cry. Sometimes, that’s very much needed!
Your tear picture is so intriguing and evocative, and this feels weird to say, but beautiful. I think it’s the authenticity and vulnerability of it – it hits me in the heart.
I have never thought to take a picture of myself crying, but I cry ugly.
You might be and look more beautiful than you realize! And yes I felt inspired to snap a pic because I feel like the act of crying is kind of beautiful in and of itself, regardless of how it “looks”. Thank so much for commenting and please do let me know if you end up snapping a pic of yourself the next time. You might find it makes you want to give yourself a big hug 😭💖🌺 seeing yourself on that state from the outside looking in