I know the title of this article kind of sounds like a bummer. And I don’t mean to imply that you have terrible things wrong with you, although you might. But, that’s not a problem. Because guess what? So do I. And so does everyone. I’m 41 years old and I would like to think that I have many of my “issues” under control. I’m a super functional human being and I have really positive and healthy relationships that make me happy. However, over the last few weeks, some of my not-so-fab traits have been emerging, and I’m really motivated to improve them. And I’m so relieved these issues have danced into the light for me to face. Because, I can’t really become a better person if I don’t know what’s wrong with me in the first place. And neither can you!
BECOME A BETTER PERSON BY TRYING TO BE PERFECT
Okay, so I’m a Virgo, and perfection is kinda my thing. I like it, I want it, I’m a natural at it, and it’s what every Virgo aims for in life, in every moment, of every day. However, I am fully aware that the only perfect things in this world are in nature. At least, this is what I believe. And even though we humans are “natural,” I think nature has its own perfection that humans just can’t touch. I think humans are meant to be on this Earth to be imperfect messes, work through issues, and discover joy while creating and expressing as we grow and expand. And of course, love. Humans are pretty great at love, honestly. I mean, when we’re not terrible at love. But either way, we’re not perfect, and I do know this.
However, since I do have this fundamental drive for perfection, I feel really icky when my issues come up. And I think we all do. But when that icky-ness comes up for me, I want to conquer it, immediately. And sometimes, this super-charged way of facing my issues, leads me to shoot myself in the foot. But other times, I think it has worked to my advantage. Because I don’t let myself wallow for too long in the shame of being lame. And instead, I just pivot towards action steps. What can I do today to improve this part of myself? Am I just the biggest over-achieving, nerd you’ve ever met? I don’t think so.
BECOME A BETTER PERSON IN ORDER TO AVOID REJECTION
I struggle with self-love and self-worth like the rest of us. I think 95% of the time I’m really good and deeply loving towards myself. And I’m pretty lovable and awesome and nice to be around most of the time. Okay, maybe more like 85%. However, there is that residual 15% that has been there since the beginning, since those deep and early wounds from childhood. And in moments of stress, or just when the time is right for my soul to face a deeper level of healing, that 15% arrives.
FI-FI AKA 15% OF THE GUNK INSIDE OF ME
Since I like to name things that don’t typically have names, and turn them into people, I’m going to name this 15%. Let’s call her Fi-fi. No offense to anyone actually named Fi-fi. So, Fi-fi is like that old friend from grammar school who wasn’t actually a friend. She kinda treated you like shit for years, but you didn’t really realize until you became a grown adult. And you both live in different places now, and for the most part, she isn’t even on your mind. But, every once in awhile she pops into town and still assumes you want to see her. Sorry, Fi-fi, but I really don’t. But, since you have a history, you make time to meet up. And even though all the same bullshit dynamics that used to happen between the two of you are still there, you’re actually glad she came into town. And you’ll be equally as glad when she leaves!
Sometimes, I don’t even know what that “imperfect” 15% that I call Fi-fi is exactly. I just know the way it makes me feel and the way it makes me behave. And often, the way it makes me behave is not really conducive to peaceful relationships. That 15% of gunk that comes up can make me behave like not the greatest person, especially when other people are around. But because I can get terrified of my loved ones leaving me and never loving me, I want to eviscerate Fi-fi and go back to being “perfectly” lovable. Makes total sense, right? And doesn’t sound delusional at all, right? It also sounds like a super fun task that I have set for myself, right?
STEPS YOU CAN TAKE TO ACTUALLY BECOME A BETTER PERSON
I’ll use my own current life experiences to construct this list. I’m still in the middle of working through some issues. But, I’ve worked through issues in the past this way, and I am confident I can get to a better place with my current issues. It just takes time. And I just have to do the work.
1. ADMIT YOU’RE WRONG WHEN SOMEONE YOU TRUST POINTS IT OUT TO YOU.
2. DON’T WALLOW IN THE SHAME OF BEING LAME FOR TOO LONG, BUT IT’S OKAY TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS AND FEEL EMBARRASSED OF YOUR BEHAVIOR.
3. I PERSONALLY THEN TURN TO THE GODDESSES FOR HELP. I PULL A FEW CARDS FROM MY GODDESS POWER ORACLE DECK (NOT SPONSORED). AND I JUST TALK TO THEM. AND THEN I LET THEM TALK TO ME AND LISTEN TO WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY.
4. BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF ONCE YOU FINALLY RECEIVE THE INFORMATION, OR FEEL A DEEPER CLARITY ABOUT WHAT YOUR ISSUES ARE.
5. HONESTLY, SOMETIMES THIS STEP CAN BE ENOUGH. GETTING THAT GUNK UP AND OUT INTO THE LIGHT IS ULTRA HEALING IN AND OF ITSELF. AND SOMETIMES, JUST BEING AWARE WILL TAKE YOU IN A NEW DIRECTION.
6. IF THERE IS A SPECIFIC BEHAVIOR THAT YOU NEED TO WORK ON, FIRST TRY TO DETERMINE WHEN YOU BEHAVE THIS WAY AND WHAT TRIGGERS YOU.
7. IF YOU KNOW YOU WILL BE ENTERING INTO A TRIGGERING SITUATION, TAKE STEPS TO PREPARE YOURSELF, SUCH AS MEDITATE, TALK TO THE GODDESSES, TALK TO YOUR LOVED ONES, AND GET YOURSELF IN A GOOD PLACE BEFORE PROCEEDING.
WHAT FI-FI LOOKS LIKE FOR ME
I’m guessing at this point that you might be wondering what specifically I’m talking about. If I was reading this I would be like, “Okay, so gimme the details, please.” And I’m happy to share, although I do feel a bit weird about it, since I’m right in the middle of it.
I’m taking a trip to see a lot of family members. And some of us haven’t seen each other in years. And I am actually super attached to my family at times. Because my childhood with my mother was so traumatic, my father’s side of the family was like my oasis. They were the answer to all of my frightened prayers. However, I can still sometimes get really attached to the comings and goings and doings of all of these family members. Because I love them so much. I can get into drama in my head. And I can get intense FOMO if we are not all in the same place, doing the same thing. But there are also lots of old dynamics that each of us has. And all of it comes out when we are together.
And on this trip, my partner of three years will be joining me. But, he’s never seen me around my extended family in this capacity. And it can cause friction in our relationship when he sees me getting upset, or getting into drama, in ways that are new for him to see. I kind of become my little girl self when I’m around them. And now that I am on this Goddess Path, I don’t want to behave like a little girl any more. I want to behave like a grown woman. And I want to be happy. Getting into drama makes me unhappy. And getting FOMO-upset is just silly. So, these are my current issues, laid out for ya’ll to see. Nothing tragic. But not nothing either.
WAYS I’M GOING TO MANAGE FI-FI SO I CAN BECOME A BETTER PERSON
1. WE LEAVE TOMORROW AND I’M SUPER STRESSED AND HAVEN’T PACKED YET. SO, I’M GOING TO GIVE MYSELF A LITTLE FASHION SHOW AND LISTEN TO MUSIC WHILE I TRY TO ENJOY PACKING AND NOT FREAK OUT.
2. I GOTTA MEDITATE TODAY AND SHOULD’VE MEDITATED THIS MORNING.
3. I’M GOING TO GO FOR MY EVENING WALK AFTER DINNER WHICH ALWAYS CLEARS MY HEAD AND MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.
4. I WILL PROBABLY HAVE A SIT DOWN WITH THE GODDESSES AND STRAIGHT UP ASK FOR THEIR HELP. I WILL ASK THEM TO TAKE ME THROUGH THIS TRIP AND TO SHOW ME WAYS IN WHICH I CAN BECOME MORE OF A GODDESS.
5. I WILL STOP WORKING ON MY GODDESS ATTAINABLE PROJECTS AND TRY TO UNPLUG FOR THE REST OF THE DAY. SOOOO HARD!
6. I WILL GO TO BED EARLY AND TRY TO GET A RESTFUL NIGHT SLEEP.
My grandmother Baba came to me in my dream this morning. She looked so beautiful and confident. I am sure she’ll be joining us all this weekend. And I think she just wants us all to be happy. In the dream, she seemed to be trying to calm me down. So yeah, I know, it’s a thing I gotta do.
Baba getting ready for bed, ca. 2001, © Libby Saylor
[I wrote the first half of this article before my trip, and am writing the second half after my trip.]
SO, HOW WAS MY TRIP, YOU ASK?
As I’m re-reading the first half of this article, I feel I must add something to the list above. As I was preparing for my trip, I also made sure to repeat to myself some incredible affirmations. One of my Core Desired Feelings is FLOW. I struggle with flowing and going with the flow. And I want more flow in my life. So, I repeated to myself several powerful phrases on the day before my trip, and on the morning of.
I ALLOW MYSELF TO FLOW
IT IS SAFE TO SURRENDER TO THE FLOW
THE GODDESSES ARE WANTING TO SEND GIFTS MY WAY, BUT I MUST ALLOW THEM TO FLOW TO ME, BY LETTING GO, AND NOT ASSUMING I KNOW WHAT IS BEST
THE MAGIC IS IN THE FLOW
These affirmations were SOO helpful! And you know what? My trip was BEAUTIFUL AND STUNNING AND SO FILLED WITH LOVE. I was my usual charming self, and I was flowing. My family was lovely and my heart felt full to see them. My partner and I enjoyed ourselves immensely and he felt welcomed by, and connected to my loved ones. Gosh, I feel so lucky, and I’m actually still going through withdrawal. But that’s a good thing…
Can you share with me, what does your 15% look like? Do you struggle with FLOW like I do? Have you had the chance to experience something beautiful and lovely lately? If so, what was it?! xo
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Featured photo by Oscar Keys on Unsplash
Shell photo by Kevin Bergen on Unsplash
And Breathe photo by Max van den Oetelaar on Unsplash